Coincidence or what?

This must have happened about nine years ago. It was month of November. We were living in Iowa and my aunt and uncle were visiting us from california during Thanksgiving holidays.  We had arranged " Satyanarayan Puja" on that weekend . Local Guruji (Indian  priest) was in our home earlier that week explaining to me all the things/ingredients that we needed for Puja. This "Guruji" was also an engineer working in the same company as my husband‘s. He was  known for his kindness and generous personality. We knew him and his wife for quite some time now. When he visited me earlier that week, possibly on Monday,  we talked about lot of things. He especially looked eager and at the same time nervous about his upcoming retirement and was wondering about what he wants to do later in his life.

On Tuesday night, I went to bed as usual. Somewhere around 1AM I got up. I was hearing this shhh...shhh noise coming from outside. First I thought I must be hearing a train passing by. But the voice didn't go away. It kept coming. I felt I do need to open the door to check it out but debated for a while.   Now if you know me, I don't have much of a brave personality. Generally I would wake my husband up if something like this happens. However, this time I was not feeling agitated or worried. I was feeling surprisingly calm. I dont know why but I finally went to our front door and opened it. I  saw this thick fog all over the place. It was hard to see anything clearly. Feeling perplexed about not finding the source of the noise, I went back to bed. To my surprise, the noise had stopped. I thought that's interesting. 

Next morning I asked everyone at home if they heard anything last night? Everyone denied. I told my husband all about the noise ,my bravery of opening the door in the middle of the night, the fog and how the noise stopped once I came back to bed. He told me very sternly, don't try to open the door like that in the middle of the night by myself for simple safety reasons. I agreed. 

My husband went to work later that day. After an hour or so he called back. He told me a very sad news . Our family friend , who also was going to do "Puja" at our home that weekend passed away last night around 1 AM  due to some  heart issue. My heart sank hearing this news. What a great loss to Guruji's family and to all of us- whole Indian community. 

However, one thing kept bothering me. It was this exact timing of the two incidences. I thought to myself- is it just coincidence or did "Guruji" really came to give his blessings to us as he would have on weekend for real.  

As a science student with no observational data available for "soul" existence it would be hard to believe in something like that. At the same time we don't know if there is something beyond science that exist. Well all I can say for now is RIP "Guruji".   - Praj101

As Buddha said so

In the midst of fear of scary dark night
Scare knocking the doors that can give one fright
Inner piece can achieve if one practice day and night
Meditation is the Remedy- as Buddha said so

Life is unfair - yes that is true
The loss can cripple us - yes that is true
But “helping others” can reduce the pain we feel inside
Compassion is the Remedy - as Buddha said so

In the anger we can loose mind control
In the harsh words- hate seeds can be sowed
Less react- more respond may just make things alright
Skillful action is the Remedy-as Buddha said so

Me and mine -the ego can get dent
Thinking past and future - we loose the present
Living in the moment can bring back joy in life
Mindfulness is the Remedy-as Buddha said so

In the world with so much uncertainty and anxiety
God may not be able to help even if he is "almighty"
Owning our own actions and training our own minds
We can be our own light - as Buddha said so

-Praj101

Last night

Last night.. I looked in the clock..2 AM.. I got to bed as usual around 11ish and in the middle of the night woke up may be to use bathroom. Still droopy eyed I used the bathroom and came back to bed cozing up in my blanket.

2:10 AM... Hmm ..” I really want to sleep”. I thought. “Ohh yes.. lets do meditation. It will calm my mind and make me fall into sleep”.  I started counting my breaths. Breathing in-Breathing out. . By third breath I was wide awake. Spoiler alert.. this meditation "awakenes" you.

2:30 AM.. Now I was worried what if I don't get enough sleep. Then, I was worried about being worried. Have you ever got upset about getting upset? That was me.  Something inside me said -no ways - I am not going to let my anxiety rule over me. 

 3:00 AM....Well fighting with my anxiety was futile and  I was still awake. How about gratitude practice? I heard that helps . Whom should I start with?. I said , “O yes ... self.  I love myself. I am grateful for being here. I wish myself good health. Without sleep my eyes are going to get dark circles.  Why can't I just sleep. I know.. watched  too much NETFLIX yesterday... stupid me” . Well, so much for self compassion.

 3:30 AM. “May be I want to use restroom again”. So I used it again. 

3:40 AM. I went back to pee. I think my bladder said “You just emptied me dear . You are not going to change  any outcome”. 

 4:05 AM. I was agitated by now. I said,  “Stop looking at the clock . You know what- that's it.  It's OK if I dont sleep. I am feeling anxious and That’s OK too. Well it is just the way it is”. 

7:30 AM .. OMG we are going to be late.. Kids, school bus will be here soon.

 -praj101

Give and Take

Today I am reading "Give and TAke " book from Adam Grant. Really A cool book. Will do new post tomorrow. 

Go for it

Go for it , its time to shine

Don't wait for that "perfect time"

It's never going to be as planned 

On the life graph

Zig-zag through the goals 

As the time plots

Change the goals if needed

Flexibility is the key

Just don't wait for that perfect time

It has never came close to me

Singinning, dancing or exercising

 Do whatever you want to do

Don't wait for only weekends

Weekdays can be charming too

Jobs are just " fund me " projects

Don't define them as your life 

Try anything new or anything old 

Anything that gives you delight

"Perfect" is just an illusion

Its waiting to waste your time

Enjoy the journey till the end 

But start right now..go for it... Shine 

-praj101

Return Gifts - question mark

A gift in return for giving gift. A gift for coming to party. A gift of gratitude. A “ return gift”.  WOW! Whoever came up with this  idea is a real genius from toy marketing company. I love my kids. I want them to be happy. But giving and getting gifts to measure happiness is a hard sale.  I am not against Birthday Parties. But to celebrate this special day involves spending  reasonable sum of money. On top of that I have to get return gifts. Otherwise, I will be robbing kids from their true happiness which is getting gifts..really . I bet our kids are going to be so materialistic if we keep gifting and regifting them for no valid reasons.  We want smiles on kids faces but unfortunately we are putting price tag on them. Now you will say " if you don't like return gifts then you don't have to get them". Great idea if I can just convince my kids that. Good luck to me on that.  But here is a deal. I don't want any return gifts from your kid's Birthday day ether. No thanks! Those wiggly ,wobbly sticky things, those crayons( we have 1000's of them already), stickers, pencil, puzzles and all those small  nick-nacks drive me crazy. These chemical emmiting, environmentally unfriendly and  practically useless things are increasing clutter in my house for no good reason. Kids literally play with them for no more than ten minutes. Kids already have so many toys that I have to keep giving away stuff to places like "Goodwill " or just throw things in trash. There are birthday parties every weekend and things pile up easily. All these things need some organizing  which takes lot of thinking. It takes time. My precious “time”. Also, Just check out the ingredients from which these cheap things are made up of. Cancer causing harsh chemicals is what they are. I don’t want that as a token of love. No Thanks.   Now you will say "return gifts" are something that kids show their gratitude with. I agree with you . But how much thinking is involve in this gratitude practice. I think these store bought return gifts is easy way out to show gratitude. I am guilty of continuing same thing that I totally disagree with.. hypocrites me. Here are I think some better ways.  How about a greeting card , a small "Thank You" note or a friendly hug. How about small plant or a cookie baked by Birthday kid as a return gift . My favorite would be a toy exchange party . How about donating small amount of money to library instead. Or how about doing nothing and just enjoying party. So many great options if explored. I am sure most of you won’t agree with me and say you are just crazy joy killing parent. Maybe I am. I don’t care. I am going to stand with my stand and brainwash my kids . I don’t know if I will be successful or not in convincing them. Only next birthday party will tell. - praj101

#MeToo and Raising Sons

# MeToo movement is happening in USA and now in India and I am happy that women are coming forward with their  #MeToo stories. This blog is not about who is right and who is wrong and I think each case differs in its own way and needs its own investigation. "Sexual assault " is crime and should be taken seriously. Offcourse reporting it immediately will improve chances of case outcome but not everyone is strong mentally to report such things. Besides our culture is "man friendly " and unfortunately lot of times other women drags woman down when it comes to taking stance. However, one question bothers me is that what if someone reports this crime falsly. What then? I have two sons. I have to think about their future. Is it a possibility? Off course it is.  Then as a mom of two sons and a woman who is passionate about woman equality whose side should I take? I have gone through different articles, videos ,expert and general public opinons/discusions  only to find that perfect solution doesn't exist. I cannot change world. I cannot promise my sons that life will be fair. I am not sure myself what paths my sons will take as they grow older. Here are some things though that I think will help them. 

1. Science: Luckily sex education classes are provided in schools. I dont know if they include hormones and their functions as going through puberty but I think it will be good for my kids to know general anatomy and physiology about human body especially related to sexual functions as a base. Also, understanding and providing information about birth control and use of condoms to avoid STD's will be helful. 

2. Consent: Kids should be taught in school and also at home regarding education about what is "consent" and why it is important to take one. I think they should include this in school curriculum. I read about one california teacher who is already teaching this to kids and I really liked her idea. I think it will help with bullying problem in school as well.  

3. Private parts: Education regarding not touching anyones  private parts and not allowing anyone else to touch your private parts is imp. Also education regarding whom and when to report if anything wrong happens should be given both at home and at school.

4. Daily actions:  The day -to-day actions are important at home. How we interact with each other as husband and wife has lot of influence on kids. Open communication /debates in homes infront of kids is important. For me, I want to come across as someone who is confident and caring at same time. I want to show my kids that I have my opinions and I stand up for my rights as a woman. I think this will be good start for them to know woman equality . Along with that  respecting and analysing correctly my husbands and sons views and talking through problems  will hopefully show them men and women can co-exist without overpowering one another and being unfair to each other. 

 As my sons will get older (maybe at age 15 years and above) there are few more things that I want them to know. ( It will be great if my kids remain virgin till they get married and then have forever loving, romanting relationship with their wife.. But there is always just in case... ) OK . Here is a list: 

1. Drinking is bad to health to begin with and I would be more than happy if my sons will not get in to any intoxicants. But again just in case if they chose to dring alcohol then they should know their clarity of mind is ruined at that moment atleast. Also, same appilies to girls. So having any sexual contact with anyone whose mental clarity is affected is as good as inviting problems. Never touch someone even if that person gives consent if their mental clarity is affected.

2. I feel surprised by people who say that only girls have to live with consequences. I agree that may be their level of burden is higher but men may have to live with dire consequences as well. Thanks to DNA test and some great investingation techniques that men may have to go in prison if some files sexual assault claim. Also, men can sexually harass men as well and the emotional toll can be equally huge. So I want my sons to know their can be severe consequences in store for them if they cross the line. 

3. Don't forget risk of sexually transmitted diseases including HIV to both parties involve. I think this should be biggest highlight and should be talk openly.

4. No matter how girl/woman presents herself, what clothes she is wearing etc. I want my sons to know that her dress up/actions should not influence my son's actions. Man's actions is his and only his  responsibility. Every wrong action can leads to bad consequences such as damaging reputation, charater, career and family life. 

5. I understand that having crush on someone is somthing no one can avoid being a human being especially at that tender age but any action should not be taken unless it is in commited consentual relationship. 

6. I also want my sons to know that when you are in commited relationship such as husband-wife; girlfriend-boyfriend etc. never have any other romantic or sexual relationship with anyone else or have any relationship with anyone who is in commited relationship with someone else as again you are going to break lot of hearts and make things complicated for you and for them for no good reason. 

With all that being said things can go wrong and life happens. I want my sons to know  I will be their to guide them  and I love them no matter what. 

After all this serious discussion there is one most importnat thing. I  want my kids to know that there is nothing more beautiful than being "in love". I wish them good luck to find love of their life and wish them and their partners a happy fullfilling life together forever. -praj101

What's up with this Rabbit and Turtle story?

I bet you all remember the story of Rabbit and Turtle. Here is recap- There are two friends, Rabbit and Turtle. They decided to race to the top of the mountain. Rabbit , being naturally faster, was way ahead of turtle before he decided to nap and as he was napping happily underneath the tree, turtle wins the race. Moral of the story: Slow and Steady wins the race... plain and simple, right? .... no..totally awkward. Whoever came up with that moral can really think outside the box.

I really have problem with this story and since I have extra time in hand I am going to dig deep..  For me the moral of the story should have been   "Don't nap while racing". First of all the story goes wrong from the beginning. This is not a fair race. Rabbit's speed of running is 40 mph and turtle's speed of running, even by stretch, is 5 mph. Imagine me and Michael Jordan playing basketball. Will that be fair? It would be "cool" but not fair until Mr. Jordan decides to nap in the middle of the game.
  Now think about poor turtle. Turtle kept walking and walking ... non-stop. No fun for him. And to achieve what? A fleeting happiness of winning after all that hardwork. Besides, if rabbit wouldn't have slept, turtle wouldn't have win.  I admire turtle's grit but still feels that the race was not justified. Don't forget that turtle has to get down from that mountain too. 

OK , here is real life example. I am super bad in physics. Somehow, with peer pressure or what not, I decided to be an engineer. I got up early everyday and put my 100% efforts in it. Finally, I became an engineer just to find out it sucks to be one. But can't go back now.. who will pay student loans. 

Turtle should rather focus on his strength.. such as maybe eating worms.. I don't know.. whatever it is. And for Rabbit - There is nothing more fulfilling than sleeping underneath the tree after nice long run. You enjoy your life dude. -praj101

Just want to say Sorry

Year 2050
Dear son,
I want to say sorry. Not just to you but to your whole generation. I was aware and exactly knew down in my heart what I should have done but it was too inconvenient.  It always felt that this issue is important but won't affect me.  I am doing OK financially. My house is not at coast. Someone will find out some solution.. Never thought it will come down to this. And now you suffer. Your kids suffer. The temperature outside is 110 degrees Fahrenheit in mid June. Ten years of drought in California. Florida cost is half under water. Yearly snow storms in mid-west. And hurricanes are just part of life. And all these diseases. Never heard of them. All the other countries are suffering just as bad. It feels like I did nothing when I had a chance. Things got worst too fast for anyone to handle. I know you love your mom. You would say what possibly you could have done. But my conscience will never let me stay still. I am as guilty as anyone else  in this "climate change" disaster. I know there are lot of reasons behind climate change but one area of my daily life is vivid. There was one place where change was easily possible. I remember going to parties and  showing off my new clothes and jewelry. New party -new clothes. And so much stuff in our house. I remember if we needed something that we couldn't find at home, I will just take out car and go buy new one. Ironically, it is easy to loose stuff in all this extra stuff. Big house- bigger house.  Fast car-faster car. It was culture and I was part of it. Total rat race. Never thought about environmental cost for all these things. Apparently all of my stuff  would have cost thousands of  trees. What a shame.. Unfortunately I taught you the same thing.  Study more- earn more - get more stuff. Should have taught you to study more- earn more- but live simply. Should have taught you to be aware of  environmental cost. Too late now.
love
Your mom
Praj101

Just in case

Today is going to be a new day for me. I have finally decided to write a book. A big step. I think I am going in right direction. I was craving to have a purpose beyond my personal and professional life. This may be it. The important test would be if I stick with it. Lot of times in the past I have taken on  new projects out of excitement and  didn't finish it such as different diets, exercise routines etc. I remember once in the past I have decided to go on "mental diet" of no negative thoughts and that lasted for may be few hours. Life happens and things fall apart. Recently, however, I have stick with things. I am more diligent and consistent with my diet, exercise and organizing. I am enjoying my daily blogging/diary as well.  Listening podcast and reading books/articles that are inspirational have proven to be life changing for me. This book will be compilation of knowledge that I won't claim as mine. I am grateful for all these intelligent minds that have helped me significantly.  I am gathering and applying this knowledge to my own life experiences and presenting here with some personal bias.
Now about the topic of this book. As a mother of two young ones I have always been anxious about one thing. Just in case if I die what will happen to my kids. Though I don't feel this worry on day to day basis, I always encounter it on different occasions especially when I hear about someone's untimely death. I know my husband is caring and loving person and most likely my kids will be fine but still the worry remains.  I have gathered  information regarding how to have meaningful, productive ,happier and healthier life. I don't want this information to get cremated with me.   I want my kids to know how to succeed in life and how to encounter life's problems. I want them to know what mistakes can cost them time, money and emotional turmoil and what life lessons will bring them joy ,peace and mental clarity. I also want my kids to know that I may be wrong with my assessment and take the information with grain of salt. I am not claiming that this path is the only path that is right for them  and I would be glad if they add their own life experiences and tweak it as needed. I also wish through this book that readers will get benefited with these strategies and will have meaningful and healthy life.This is my way of paying it forward to society that I have received so much from and I am always grateful.

How do I do mediation?

I am at initial stage of this practice and not expert of any kind. I learn meditation online. UCLA offers free meditation classes online.There are good meditation apps as well.   Here is how I do meditation.

I set up timer for 10 mins.

I sit comfortably.

I close my eyes. 

I try to focus on my breath. I feel breath going in and out of nose.   

I get distracted by my own wandering mind.

Once I understand I am distracted, I  just bring my attention back to breath.

That's it. 

As experts say meditation is simple but not easy.  Most of the time my mind wanders . The winning moment comes when I understand it is wandering and I bring my mind back to breath. I am training my mind. Just like bicep curls. -praj101 

Being flexible

I am a type A person. Or at least type A minus. If I decide to do something that truly inspires me then I am going to do it no matter what. Such as writing this blog. Today I am tired, no particular  topic or experience comes in my mind that I want to write about. On surface everything looks OK and no introspection is needed. But not writing something that I have committed so fully too is too much to ask for. I am not fooling anyone. I didn't write few days before due to my sore eyes but  my logical brain though that that was reasonable excuse. But not today. I am going to beat myself up (figuratively ) for being so lazy.  Can " I want be lazy" is a good explanation?  Doesn't sound like one. How about I will  re-word it. Can I be flexible to my commitments? I think I can. Let me enjoy this time doing something else. I don't want to be hard on myself. I want to relax.  I am letting go of my obsessiveness. Stop self critique. Start self compassion.  I am free. See you tomorrow.

Me and My Eye glasses

 I was one of few who had eyeglasses as a sixth grader. It was one of those things that I remember feeling brave accepting it as a fact of life. Of course I was not happy about it. What if I forget them somewhere? This fear never came to life though as I would scramble in blurriness without them. In college,  I suddenly had this increased awareness of my "looks" and eyeglasses became an unwanted burden. Somehow I thought I look unattractive in them.  I  suddenly started eating too many carrots and doing eye exercises but all was in vain. My eyesight never changed. I remember my mom saying to me to keep my expectations modest when it comes to marriage as I have eyeglasses and to-be-grooms can be picky about it. In bio-data of marriage bureau, there was special column that I checked stating " I use eyeglasses ".  Apparently, that lowered my "value" in marriage market or so I thought. Overall, eyeglasses had been always some unwanted part of my life.

As time passed I became OK with them and since last 10 years or so I hardly gave them any thought . They are just part of my life. I wear contacts in family and friend gatherings to look "attractive". My eyesight remained stable throughout years and never gave me any trouble. So far so good....till a week ago. I started having soreness around eyes  and having unexplained headache especially when I look at computer screen.  I went to ophthalmologist today expecting bad news and unexpectedly she said that my eye-sight has improved. WOW . How did this happen? Maybe I won't have eyeglasses after all  in  future. Or maybe this is journey towards farsightedness. Who knows. ..However, for the first time today, I really don't care as long as my headache stops. I don't have any problem with my eyeglasses. I am grateful that they exist and because of them I can see clearly. In my "Things to be grateful list"  the person who invented eyeglasses gets a very special Thanks.. I am forever grateful!- praj101