List of 50 things that don't serve me

Here are list of  things that don't serve me.
1. Thinking too much.
2. Ruminating in past.
3. Staying angry, sad, anxious for more than 3 mins.
4. Saying "yes" to things just to please others or due to feeling of guilt.
5. Saying "no" to things that I enjoy and can take refuge in.
6. Letting others walk over my feelings.
7. Fighting negative feelings and always trying to put best foot forward.
8. Eating junk
9. Lack of sleep.
10. Screen time more than 2 hours daily.
11.  Not saying "Thank you" to someone when I know I should be grateful.
12. Not appreciating good in others and not letting them know.
13. Not meditating.
14. Not doing exercise.
15. Not calling my mom
16. Not spending time with my kids/ husband.
17. Being cunning, manipulative, gossiping about others.
18. Comparing myself with others.
19. Not respecting others from different backgrounds than me.
20. Attaching monetary success value to happiness
21. Acting in fear.
22. Treating others with disrespect.
23. Speaking hurtful things.
24. Not having good intent behind action.
25. Exaggerating without checking facts.
26. Not saying sorry for my mistakes.
27. Not spending time with friends.
28. Judging others for what they are
29. Always trying to fill things with activities in my calendar.
30. Not giving time for relaxation.
31. Watching too much politics/news.
32. Not staying organised
33. Having too much stuff
34. Giving  others advice when they didn't ask
35. Sleeping late
36. Getting up late
37. Not reflecting/blogging
38. Too much on social media-too much connectivity
39. Procrastinating
40. Not working/ earning
41. Not being flexible with views
42. Being to critical of self
43. Staying attached to things
44. Not helping when I can
45. Being to serious/ not smiling/ not seeing humor
46. Spending money without assessing need
47. Defending myself in discussion for sake of proving my point
48. Running behind happiness.
49. Not caring for environment
50. not living mindfully / not living in moment.

Scientific exploration of consciousness-Is it possible?

Recently I heard a neuroscientist said it is worth finding answer for question "who am I?".  It was hard for me to imagine a scientist asking this question.Till this date, whenever I heard any religious or spiritual leader say something like this, I would roll my eyes. Here was that scientist’s explanation the way I understood. He said you can take any part of your identity away and you will be still you. How so? e.g.I am a physical therapist. If I take this identity away from me, will I be still me. Yes, I guess so. Then who am I? I am human being made with bones, muscles and organs. OK... what if I take away my heart..I got a heart transplant?.. will I be still me. hmm .. I guess so. What about my mind? Well that I loose  a lot .. with kids and husband and at job,,,ha ha .. sorry.. focus.Yes if I end up with demetia and loose all my cognitive functions still I will be me. So how about my spirit " atma" ?  But what is spirit. I don't know....some energy.. I hope its not ghost.  But whatever it is,  doesn't sound much scientific. So what is this consciousness? Does it travel from one life to another... I don't know.. maybe... Has anyone seen it?  Don't worry about next life..What about in this life ,Can we feel /see this energy? As per this neuro scientist "yes". Boom .. really..Yes. Apparently, according to him, what people have felt are experiences.  Experience of "oneness"  / "nothingness".. anyway you want to word it. There is stage that you can induce with psychedelic medications or with meditation where you feel you are in blissful state and you are one with universe. The " ego" has melted and one feels this overflow of love and compassion towards everyone.. something like Nirvana. Sounds too sugary still interesting. Psychedelics are illegal and can have some very bad effect on some people and therefore unsafe.So that option is out.  So that brings to the second option "Meditation". WOW. That means we all  have option of enlightenment. I want to feel it. Just like I want to loose 30 lbs in one week. Sorry.. that's not happening girl. People go to  silent retreat, become monks and still fail to feel it. If they feel it then also for very short time. Well that's too bad. I have family. I have job. I totally love my "muggle" life. I am not going anywhere. So now what? Thinking back, I guess that's how religions came into being. When people became religious and started devoting there time and energy to God.. they felt blissful. It was an outlet for every human being to find their own Nirvana. That is great. But I  still need some scientific explanation. Meditation doesn't have to be about any particular God. I can just focus on my breath, my mind, my body. I know all of these things exist. I don't have to assume anything that I haven't seen. Besides, may be I won’t find enlightenment but can still explore my mind. I think we all have capability to study our mind. Need to explore this further.- praj101

The most difficult part

I am striving health enthusiast or so I think. I have traveled a bitter-sweet journey of loosing significant weight and still there are ways to go. However, there is one habit that I find very difficult to break. This habit is what I call “after work pantry party”. Self explanatory ...right. I come home from work. I go straight into pantry. I binge eat . I literally go into trance where I have no clue what I am doing until I am done riding this crazy hunger horse. After binge eating, I become aware of this situation immediately leading to another period filled with guilt, shame and anger. I can be “not so nice” to anyone else around me when I am in this realm of self criticism. I want to change things but unfortunately all this awareness comes after those 1000 calories are sitting in my tummy and eventually in my butt. I have put a whole bunch of thought about how to improve myself in this situation. I have tried different self correction paths. I have kept healthy food around so I will reach for something healthy. I have decided I will eat salad before coming home etc. but so far nothing has worked.

 I have come up with different hypothesis about why I fail . The first one is I have zero will power in that hour of day where I just want to be not-judge and do what I want to do. The second one- I  was used to eating something after coI ming back from school as a kid  and this habit brings back that homely vibe. Third one- I don't eat enough throughout the day and I am crazy hungry after coming back home. Whatever it is, the objective has always been how can I change this poor habit and be better. Honestly, I am writing this blog exactly after my regular binge eating episode today.

As one can see in this whole hypothesis thingy  .. one theme is common.. I desperately want to change myself. Unfortunately, I am not happy  with who I am.  Something about that slim body image makes me sabotage my own body hunger cues. Aren't there better things for me to do than wasting my time on this same thought cycle. May be instead of trying to “improve” myself I need to be more compassionate towards me.I think this is most difficult part. Self compassion. Isn't my brain works better/smarter rest of the day. May be I will adjust my calorie needs accordingly the rest of the day to compensate for my evening eating.

This will be an interesting experiment of course and I am curious to find how this will go. I am aware that my hunger cues may be totally on wrong track( self criticism again... hmm). But at least I am going to approach it differently this time. I have opportunity to be nice with myself. Lets see..

How was my day today?

This was my day today. I woke up at 6:15 AM.  Did 30-45 mins of meditation. Half an hour in bathroom. Came downstairs and heard" om jai jagdish" song. Nice. Then made poli -bhaji for all of our lunches while listening to Stephen Colbert and political satire videos. Got kids up and got them ready and went to work after dropping them to school. Felt little anxious at bus stop as school bus did not show up. Drop mine and my friends kids to school. Went to work. Had good day at work. Worked with pt.s.  Had really good time as I stayed on task.  Had conference in PM. Got my 5 hours CEUs for Dementia management seminar. learned a lot. Came back home after picking up kids. Later talk to two friends in the evening. Nice talk. spend time with husband and kids .  I am tired now. really tired.  Tried to right something good but brain didn't work. I am like I will jot down my general day instead.  WOW.. writing this itself is relaxing. Good night sleep tight. 

my health plan.

I want to make this 30 day plan for myself statrting right now. Researchers say it takes 21 days to make a good habit. I am giving myself 1 week extra.24th September to 24th October 2018. Here is my absolute essential plan.
1. Every day atleast 30 min of workout. No matter what.it can be relaxation exs like Yoga or weight training or just simple walking. Doesn’t matter. 30 mins of daily exs.
2. Blogging every day. Maybe I will blog about my progress towards my health.. writing  down what I ate, what exs I did or is planning to do, how much sleep I got etc. but definitely some self reflection.
3. Eating nutritious food only 3 meals a day with zero snacking. Mostly food will be protein, healthy fats and lots of veggies. Less carbs and no junk. I need to follow this even on weekends. No slacking.
4. Atleast 8 hours of sleep. To do this, I need to get things done on time and be more organized. Distribute daily chores in between me, husband and kids so I will get time to prioritize my goals.
5. Screen time including blogging no more than 1 hour 40 mins each day. Maybe have set times in Am and PM to go over news and what’s app.. 10 mins *2.
6. Atleast 10 mins of meditation.  meditation with or without App.
7. Listening to something inspirational for 10 mins Atleast.
I know my personality. If I want to succeed, I will go all in. If I decide to do it in moderation then I will slack.
Also I a planning to keep some objective measures. Keeping my food diary,writing down my daily weight and writing my exercises for day. It will be interesting to note my mental state every day as well. All the best to me.- praj101

Ganapati Bappa Morya

By nature I am secular skeptic. I Love science and has tendency to question everything that cannot be proven. But all that goes in thin air when it comes to “Ganapati”. Today  is Ganapati Visarjan and my beloved deity lord Ganesh’s festival is over till next year leaving me heavy hearted. The good part is Ganapati Bappa will come back home next year, for 10 days and every year thereafter.  In Hindu religion/ mythology God Ganapati represents someone who gives us wisdom, knowledge and prosperity . I remember my workbook in school used to have “ Shri” on every book’s first page ( Shri is another name of Ganapati) as if we were taking his blessings of knowledge and wisdom. This part of Indian culture I really admire. All our deities come with some deeper understanding about life and almost humanizes them  representing a good part in all of us. But apart from all this deep meaning, my love for Ganapati Bappa comes from his beautiful elephant like face, his big belly due to eating too many delicious “ modaks” and his cool nature or so I believe. He feels like auspicious  God and at the same time cool buddy who is so smart and sweet. As per Indian mythology, Ganapati’s big belly represents his ability to eat our sins and I have never imagined  him as an angry God like his dad “ God Shankar” who you better not mess with. Ganapati Bappa is loving and kind and will help us in our difficulties. At the same time he feels like some  dude who would love any scientific progress in the betterment of mankind. If there is a scientist decoding  human genome I am sure it will make Ganapati Bappa  happy. And how can I forget “mouse” - Bappa’s vehicle as well as cute little companion . The whole package of Ganapati riding on mouse, eating yummy Modaks , helping us in tough times and kind of  forgiving us for our mistakes is so adorable that Ganapati Bappa becomes my most favorite deity in a heartbeat . This joyous , happy and super cool God will be always major part of me till the end and beyond. Ganapati Bappa Morya!  - praj101

Garage sale experience

I wrote post about “Garage Sales in Iowa “ few days back. Today in NC we had our community garage sale. It’s not NC culture and I was not expecting big response like Iowa. However, the response was even lesser than expected.  All the efforts gone waste, I was thinking. My kids and husband were super excited in the beginning but I can see their excitement draining from their face. Later , I decided to change my mindset and give it a little positive tweak. No judgment, no rationalization and just experiencing the experience. As I changed my perspective, things started looking little better.  Me and my family, first time after so many years, were sitting outside having family time. Whoever showed up, we greeted with enthusiasm. In the beginning , my little one was asking people too many questions and asking them to buy things.. embarrassing right? Later I explained him why it is imp to give people some space and just greet people. He changed his behavior. He would  smile and say hi . He would make small general conversation if appropriate such as checking with kid what grade he or she is in. He may not understand theory behind human emotions but knowingly or unknowingly he was showing up with correct attitude. Of course , When I tried to explain same thing  to my older kid he just shrugged  and went back to reading. I learned that my kids have different personalities, different liking and therefore different responses. I learned  to give them some space.  We went as family into our neighbors homes and had a nice chat with them. We also found good books in the process for my kids to read. We ended up earning ~ $20 way less compared to Iowa. But the best part is all of this remainaing unsold stuff is directly going to goodwill achieving my declutter objective.
There were some other lessons that I learned as well. It would have been great if we would have put garage sale in the evening from 5 to 8 pm or in the morning from 8 to 12 pm. Mid afternoon time is way too sweaty. We found out town of cary doesn’t allow Garage sale signs on roads. So we need to arrange it better.
Overall , it was a good learning experience.