Praise Them For-

Do kids feel entitled

For praises from parents and luxuries of life

For their Looks, their Intellect and Status in friends
Comparing each other with their fancy games 

Do they throw random blames and tantrums

When they don’t get what they desire

Do you praise them often

For things that’s not really in their hand

“ Oh you are so pretty like a princess ”

“ Oh you are the most intelligent kid ”

Well “IQ” and “looks” are genetically inherited 

It’s “ God given” and not earned - you see

If kids feel that they are at “center”
How will they learn to empathize and grow?
Love is unconditional from parent for sure
But responsibilities and consequences-kids should know

Instead let’s praise them for what they “Do”

For kindness and curiosity that they show  

Let’s praise their good hearted intents and efforts

Let’s praise the world they build with their own actions

-praj101

What words will

What words will start my life
Maybe these words start my life
What words will
Oh what words will start my life

What words will end my life
Maybe many year’s later
These words will end my life

What words will
Oh what words will
End my life

-Oajoshi

Have you experienced this?

Have you experienced this?
1. Having “gut feeling “ towards other people’s nature, intent and actions.
2. Knowing something before it happens?
3. Suddenly getting  an idea out of no where that will solve current issue that we have in mind.
4. Sudden change of plan.
5. Knowing whom to trust and whom to not.

You may be intuitive - you may have that sixth sense.

Recent story that I heard

I heard a very intriguing story recently. It somewhat goes like this.:
A man was sitting on a bench early morning in a park - enjoying sunshine and reading his newspaper. One soldier came and sit next to man blocking man's sunlight. Man, still in his own self, shifted slightly on a bench to get sunshine. Soldier shifted too. Man went to sit onto another empty bench and soldier followed , this time standing in front of the man. Man calmly requested soldier to move. Solider stayed steadfast.  Man got upset and started walking away from this heavy built soldier. Solider blocked him. This time Man was angry and confronted solider. Solider pushed man down to ground and stepped on his foot. Angry and surprised at the same time, Man started shouting for help. He looked around and was in a shock. There were lot of people in the park. Each accompanied by his or her own solider. However, nobody showed distress like our Man. Some were passively sitting on a bench, some were sitting with handcuffs and face down and some were laying on the ground like our Man in pain. But no-one uttered a word. Surprisingly, most people were looking at our Man with a disapproved look.
I think the actual  story ends there- making us free for our own interpretations. Psychologist Anodea Judith has dwelled into her own psychological interpretation beautifully. I don't remember exactly what she said . However, what I will tell you is what I remembered/ interpreted from her interpretation for myself

So, back to story-  What will you do in this case if you are that Man?-
1. will you sit quietly on the bench and be a part of a coop just like others.
2. Will you rebel
3. Will you get accustom and disapprove others if they tried to call for help in the future.
4. Will you try to form allies in the park and form your own group with same vision of freedom as yours
5. will you work on some kind of peaceful and constructive action to change the environment around you.

 -where will you stand?

Now imagine if I tell you that that soldier is no one else but a very part of you-  A world view that is created for you from your childhood by your parents, your family, your society with expectations and cultural norms , expectations from others ( about fame, money, education, how life should be) etc.. and any deviation from prescribed path is getting questioned.
And you - that Man-is your soul who has come to fulfill its purpose in this life. Purpose you feel most aligned to and is action driven. You may have come across it multiple times in life.  May it be creative, worldly, spiritual or materialistic. . Whatever gives you inner strength.
Where you feel you don't have to "prove" anything to anyone. There is no shame or guilt blocking your energy. Something that truly give you enthusiasm  and positive vibe- where you are learning  and growing in your own pace.

How will you interpret the story now?
Are you one of the lucky ones who have found your soul's purpose in life and enjoying your path towards your own growth. You love the struggle and at same time enjoy your journey. You don't compare yourself with others and you find happiness in others happiness. You are comfortable with what you are so you don’t feel need to exert power over others.
Or are you one of those "sitting passively on the bench" - ether feeling like failure or  measuring success with the bucket of materialism and societal expectations.
Or are you one of those-gossiping , mocking or disapproving others who are different.  What if  there way is not aligned with yours? Will you be able to surpass your barriers which are limiting your potential to understand others point of views. What if those with different life views are your own children? Will you shame them? Will you put guilt in them if they tend to differ? Or Will you support them -  give them unconditional love - to let them grow towards their own sunshine.

And what if you are somewhere in the middle- little confused yet driven -trying to find your path with help from like minded people  - supporting each other in ups and downs - trying to figure it all out ..

Beautiful story- feel free to interpret for yourself .

Praj101

Solar Plexus

Golden Yellow  light- shining from your core

Your ego... your story ... your assertive self

Expand , broaden chest ... stand tall upright

Feel your energy directing yourself

Let not others tell you what you feel

Nor follow path if it’s not for you

Within yourself  find  your sincere power

With each power breath- Get attuned and glow

Shining armor of bravery and courage

Standing up for what is truly right

Compassion and love for yourself first

To grow - to trust your own might

Take the blame for your own actions

“Being Responsible” is not just a hype

Don’t ask others for each and every direction 

Look inward- your goals will be in your sight 

Not muffled by others wishes and whims 

Let your solar plexus shine with genuine worth
Like a martial arts warrior balancing on a pebble
With Monk  like calmness and peace inwards

- praj101

Trying so hard to be Good or Being Ignorant

As per Indian culture, developing a deep bond with in-laws is of paramount importance in any woman’s life. Her self worth and Societal worth highly depends on her commitment towards all she does for her husband’s family. Depends on individual situation, she may or may not get the love and respect in return. This blog post is not a post for what should be done in this regard or how should we change these unjust societal norms. Also, this is not a blog about husband’s role towards his parents and wife which are or are not - just and fair.
The part that I sadly dwell on is the years lost in doing all these good things for my “ after marriage  family” while ignoring my very  own. As far as my situation is considered, I got married and came to US and was involved in furthering my education,  my career and family. My parents, whenever came to US, always came to help me with my kids. They were my main strength and support in tough years of my life.  However, whenever I visited India, I was always busy doing things for my in-laws and making my “ this home” happy and comfortable. I remember visiting my parents for just a week or so. In that week , I spend lot of time visiting my friends and family and hardly had any meaningful  time to spend with my parents. I somehow thought that my parents would always be healthy and active and I have this eternal time to spend with them later. Unfortunately, now I am realizing my mistake. My parents are getting older. They have their own health issues now. My kids are getting older and are busy with their schoolwork and I am still a career oriented woman. All these years that I spend pleasing and developing relationship with in laws   feels not that genuine as it had a hidden motive of  “ pleasing” and I am still unaware of the final outcome . I would have rather spend this hard earned vacation time with my own parents who raised me and has given me so much.
Daughters who don’t work or have luxury to spend time with their parents and in laws as pleased don’t have to face this dilemma. My life choices and career choices are my own and they do come with pros and cons. But this simple  choice was right in front of me and I  missed it like an ignorant.
As my soul search and  I look internally within myself - this inadequacy in my own life saddens me. I feel the pull in different directions and I can only choose so much.  My parents are and should always be my top priority. Society may judge harshly and convincing everyone is neither my obligation nor my priority. People have their own opinions and I have mine.
Here is  a simple suggestion  to all those newly married young woman- it’s a beautiful thing to have a near and dear relationship with your in-laws and do enjoy it for sure but never spend years building an illusion in exchange for the quality time you can spend with your very own parents. And yes- just be yourself.
Praj101

Financial Independence- This is what I want my kids to know.

Hi Kids,
I love you. I wish both of you purposeful and fun filled life that will keep you curious and engaged. Be it a life of scientist, artist, athlete or entrepreneur- anything that inspires you. Create it the way you want. But here is a thing, no matter what you do in life, you need to be financially independent. For that- you need to adapt a “responsibility driven” lifestyle. As a parent, I do believe that I have some role to play to guide you in correct direction. That's why- here are some things that I want you to know as per financial assistance that I am ready to provide you and the kind I don't want to provide.
1. Just FYI, my love will never ever be measured in the money that you will receive as inheritance. Because my inheritance for you will always be about knowledge and experiences that I can provide through my capabilities. My money, how much ever small or big it is, is always for your character building not for your adult materialistic wealth.
2. I will never tell you to buy expensive houses or cars and if you want all the materialistic wealth then you have to work for it. Two reasons: there is fun in struggle . You will be able to enrich your life with experiences and hardships. Another reason is I want you to not become financially weak.
Here is an example: As a therapist, I sometimes do recommend my patients to use assitive devices and braces for some needed time in their rehab as per therapeutic needs. However, I never want them to be depended on these assistive devices for life unless they have to. I would rather develop their muscle strength, balance, co-ordination and proprioception  and improve their functionality to avoid dependence. One thing you know-  if you don't use it,you loose it. In the same way , if you don't work on your own skills and learn from your weakness you will not become independent financially.
3. Humility is core for financial Independence. Stay grounded. When you will start without "free money" you will learn to use your own social skills to develop people relations. You will understand importance of every human being in life. You will learn to respect young and old, rich and poor and enrich your life experience by interacting with them. Being said that, this is a quality that some people already have and some develop with practice. Whatever it is, it will always keep you "human".
4. True friendships: There are all kinds of people you will come across. Some of them are "people pleasers" , "takers" who take advantage of others and they may gather around for money incentives.  When you start as a being of modest means- you will attract people who will enjoy your company and personality more than your monetary status. You want those as your friends. Someone who can tell you all the good, bad and ugly about you and you can do the same of those favors to your friends too.
5. Environmental Impact: As a novice but trying her best minimalist- your mom can tell you one thing, big houses and expensive cars are not the be all and end all. Lot of times you will find running behind materialistic things in life and wasting your time on building wealth in this regard. I would rather have you live in environmentally friendly designed house and drive environment friendly cars. We as humans, and I am guilty about this myself, have spend too much time and energy gathering all the materialistic things that are unnecessary for just to show off. This doesn't mean you should not spend money on things. Find your passion in life and spend money on that or those particular things. Again, materialistic entities can give you only transitory satisfaction and to gather those, you have to earn your own cash.
6. My work experience: Being worked in assisted living and skilled nursing facilities has helped me a lot to learn from our elders. I have come across people who are rich and poor as adults but at the end of their last quarter the most they talk about are their life experiences, their friends and families and their Passions. I haven't met a single person who talks about his materialistic wealth-well, maybe with exception of very  few. Its interesting what people have to share about their life. They are very passionate about what they did as a "work". They are passionate about the time they spend in community gatherings and their charity work. Basically, the main lesson is focus on what can you "do" than what can you "be"- as a person. ( I think this is what Bhagvatgita teaches too).
7. Mistakes: You will make lot of mistakes in life. A good learning curve will happen when you will learn from those mistakes and develop as a good, efficient and kind human being.  If as a parent, we spoon feed you everything, we will fail  as we will deprive you to build your own resilience.  That's what working towards your own financial Independence will give you .  Being said all this I am not at all saying not to be rich. Always remember, rich people can be very influential and they have power to do lot of good in life. You can be rich and spend your money on the things that you believe in and care for.
8. Be frugal: First of all that will improve your savings by default.  Don't spend on unnecessary things Learn to cook for yourself. Spend money on healthy food and healthy lifestyle. As a mom- your health is most important to me- both physical and mental. Most of the other things are things where you can be frugal. Yes, definitely find your spouse that aligns with your personality but at the same time has qualities to be financial independent. Save not as a miser - enjoy your life- but at the same time make sure you make cautious decision about where you are spending. Don't spend on things just because of peer pressure.
9. Be resourceful:This will be another thing that you will learn by being financial independent by your own work. We all are interdependent and you will, at lot of times, need help of others to go ahead in life. For example, by sending kids to after-school care, a mom can work needed hours. Here frugality won't help. Spend money and get help wherever needed to achieve life goals.
10. As a best advice from mom- try to be as much minimalist as you can. Reducing clutter in life will let you focus on things that are more important to you. Enrich your life with meaningful experiences and not superficial materialistic things. I don't know if you will find this totally boring or super cool but the thing that I learned very late in life- I want you to know this in the beginning. After all- you have to decide for your own life as adults but we as parents do have power to nudge you towards what we feel is right. Again, I wish you will always try to put needs of our planet in fore-front of your decision making process.

That brings down the things that I am willing to spend money on you.
1. Education -Education and desire to learn different things to enrich your career will always be a great goal. As a mother- that is my best wish for both of you. Whatever knowledge you want to gain through learning and the money needed for the same, I am ready to spend. Again, the important things is you kids really showing your mom your ability to put in work for it. No free money for free loaders. Volunteering at different organizations will enrich your knowledge as well. Try to start working somewhere in college days when you will have ability to earn some money as a well earned cash. Always remember, people who earn understands its value ( most of the times).
2. Emotional well being- This will include all the Yoga, meditation , martial arts classes. All the need for any therapies like PT, OT, speech, Psychologist and all the good books to read and listen. Anything that will improve life outcomes hopefully without medication.
3. Healthy diet. -I won't hesitate to bring healthy food( even organic expensive food) for you. Home made simple food would be best. You know your mom is little crazy in this regard. Also, I want you to learn how to cook healthy food so in future you can cook and feed yourself and your family such meals.
4. Any extra curricular activities- swimming, tennis, singing,  coaching for studies etc.
5. Of course any expenses related to your physical well being such a Dr. visits.

That's pretty much it. As you already know, I don't like our house cluttered with toys and clothes. So please choose toys wisely. Everything has monetary value attached to it. Nothing materialistic is free so spend some time on reflecion before buying. I will never say no for good toys. Any board games are excellent for cognition. Outdoor games ares excellent for physical health. So go for those. I won't spend any money on toys that are there just for recent fad/craze. "Just because your friends have it"- is not really that good of a reason to convince mommy.
I always encourage  you both to do house chores at home and I wish you will be good in those before your college starts. This will make your college life easy. A good practice and repetition since childhood will make things easy for you.
If I am wrong in any of the above aspects then feel free to talk to me and we even can have family discussions. Your mom has a learning attitude so if you explain me some of your point of views regarding this that differs from mine, I am ready to listen, change and act. So far, these are my point of views build by reading books by experts and with my own life experience. I have seen people seeking parents financial aide and becoming less and less financial independent. They ask their parents for "free money" without any regards for parents old age and their medical needs and spend it for their own lazy lifestyle. Parents do it out of love for kids and grand kids. However, this may make even young healthy and capable adults shallow. These adults may feel entitled for no good reason. That's not how I want you guys to be as adults. Also,  I have seen too may people thrashing environment for their own materialistic needs. I have seen, and me being part of million, who go behind materialistic things and waste savings than enjoying life as it presents "now and here".

One thing that will always remain constant, whatever you become , is my love for you. Our time spend together-talking, playing, chit-chatting and cuddling  is priceless. Those are the moments I will cherish and I am always grateful to you both and to God for the same. You both are good kids to begin with and there are always full marks for trying your best.
Love you both so very much,
Praj101