It has been decade and a half now. I am dealing with these particular people in my life who have been hard on me for the resons that I cannot comprehend or justify. I have tried my best to please them but all in vain. I cannot be myself when I am with them due to their demeaning tendencies and their ways to make one feel "guilty" for no valid reason. Unfortunately, I was never good in dealing with conflicts. I had always run away from the situations that made me feel vulnerable. I have preferred to keep relations afloat as much as I can. But with this attitude of mine, I have failed to find peace within.
Recently I started giving meditation a try for my own health reasons. I wanted to find calmness in life. But suprisingly, in contrary to feeling calm, I started to feel these supressed emotions more vivdly. I also started noticing changes in my body in a stressful situtation when I am with them or even talking to them on a phone. I feel my chest tightens and my voice gets shaky. My brain gets busy to find ways to express myself in a politically correct manner as I am aware of their critical tendencies. Now you may say that it is a good strategy to avoid disagreement. However, supressing feelings has its own backlash. Consquences of not standing up for yourself can be harsh. I have seen myself running a very obnoxious tape in my mind again and again about "how these people have wronged me". I have seen myself get hard on my loved ones just to vent my feelings which is totally unfair. I want to come up with strategy where I can be honest about how I feel and not let other people walk over me.
How can I be good in expressing my feelings and facing conflicts head on? Well this is going to be an experiment where I am going to be my own "lab rat". Here is what I think may help me.
1. Being Raw Honest Self: I am tired of pretending to be "super nice". Sorry people, I have feelings that include anger, disgust, sadness, gulit, shame etc. To maintain this "nice" image I don't stand up for myself and my preferences. I go in "being good" mode when people question my intension and my energy goes waste finding the middle ground. It doesn't mean I am going to be harsh but understanding my emotions and giving correct weightage to them may lead to more realistic outcome.
2. Knowing My Intensions: Whichever way I behave, knowing my intensions before taking action is critical. If I know my intensions are coming from right heart and if I need a fair and kind system in place then I have to raise my voice. If me raising my voice coming from a negative, judgemental and untrue place then I have to assess situation again. I need to remember that I am only human and I can be wrong too.
3. Not Having Expectations from Others: After expressing myself , me getting an apology is a hard bet. If those people choose to express their point of view , I should listen to them with an open mind. If we all come to an even ground with sound discussion then that is the best scenario. However, I should be aware that those people may get angry and the relations may become wobbly. In any case, I need to be mentally prepared for outcome whichever way it sways.
4. Waiting for the Correct Moment: I am little confused with this one. Some experts say that expressing yourself right at the moment of conflict is best strategy for impact and others say wait till things calm down and then discuss situation. I am not sure which one of these will work best. I may choose middle path here. Expressing myself right at the moment of conflict with little buffer may be best if I learn to speak skillfully. May be me going for a small walk or doing some exercise while thinking through situation for few minutes will help. This will also improve blood flow in my brain and will make me feel spaciaous( and may be little forgiving and kind) inside.
5. Sticking with the Facts: Now let's be honest, the whole purpose of this blog was for me to find ways to express my true emotions. Then why shouldn't I express them just the way they are. Afterall a speech full of emotions may make bigger impact. I agree. But at the same time I don't want to divert discussions into anger laden shouting match between the two teams. Calm and poised conversation with facts may lead to fair discourse and possibly good outcome. The whole intension is for me to get my point through in a civil manner. Besides, as Sadhguru said, I don't want those people to have pleasure of making me angry.
6. Picking Up Correct Fight: Someone whom I don't have regular contact with and is unfair to me or disgrees with me without much of the impact on my day to day life doesn't deserve much of my time. I am not going to argue with everyone about my point of view as I understand that people come from different backgrounds with different upbringing. It is easy to let go and move on with a smile saying " we agree to disagree". But when things are too personal and affect my family life, my emotional life and/or my work life in unjust way then I have to speak up.
7. Doing Loving -Kindness Meditation: Sounds too woo..woo but I wish I will learn to do this meditation and wish good to everyone -even for those who are hard on me. I need to learn to let go of hurt feelings and find peace and content. I wish I will love myself enough that I won't feel bad about others disaprovals. Apparently, I have to work hard on this and I understand that I am such a "newbie" in this realm.
8. A Thing to Learn: I think all my life experiences have taught me something. By getting hurt from these people has made me aware of importance of skillful speech and skillful actions. I wish I will never hurt someone knowingly or unknowingly in this manner.
9. They are Good Too: I don't want to categorise these people as " very bad" as they are not. I have seen them being loving and kind with others and I know they can be nice. I am sure everyone in the world has some plus and minus in them. Lets put it this way -These people are good-I just want them to be good and fair with me.
Well writing this blog has given me an action plan that I can anchor on. If things don't work in expected way then I may tweak things a bit here and there to find out what works best for me. It is going to be work in progress. I think I am ready....- praj101
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