Beware

It was summer break after my fourth grade final examination. I started my swimming class in “Gopal Swimming Pool” second year in a row. There were at least fifty other kids in the class about same age as mine. It was close to my grandma's house and I used to walk by myself back and forth.  One day, while I was walking out of the main gate of the facility someone touched me on my shoulder. I was in the middle of the group of kids, trying to push my way out of the main entrance door. One of the kids could have easily brushed on my shoulder in this crowd. But this touch was different. It was more precise-  meant specifically for  me or so I thought. I looked back and saw a middle aged man with eyeglasses staring at me. He appeared just like any other regular person.  Next day, I was little worried when I went to pool but didn't see him on my way in. However, on my way out, I saw him again waiting at the door. I looked down and started walking out from the other side of the door, hoping he won't see me. I was nervous for sure. It is surprising, how at such young age our basic instincts of self protection arise even without any prior experience. Nothing happened luckily. Few days went by and I totally forgot about the whole thing. One day while walking out of the door this creep touched me again and this time he touched me on my chest. My heart raced faster. I looked up and saw the same person with a smirk on his face that threw me into panic.  I thought of screaming “Help” but nothing came out of my mouth. I looked down and went quickly back home. I was filled with shame as if this was my fault somehow. I thought strongly of telling this to my mom and grandma but I didn't. Fear had engulfed me. I was very alert for next few days watching around carefully and never let my guards down while getting in and out of swimming facility.  Few days passed. I was nervous all along.  One day, after class, while I was walking back to my grandma's house someone tried to push me inside an old building.  He was nudging me inside a building in front of so many people. I don't know why nobody noticed. A man pushing a little girl is so obvious actually.  I was half way inside building front yard, sweating and trembling in fear when some immense power got in me( God's grace-you may say) and I started screaming “ Help-Help”. I literally didn't stop till he lessened his grip on me. I ran out of the building as fast as I can. I ran back to my grandma's house without waiting for anything or anyone. I was too young to understand what this all means. But my gut feeling was telling me that I was in immense danger. I told my grandma everything after reaching home and later told my mom about this man. They both were supportive and worried about me as well. First I thought of quitting the class but I didn't. I am happy I didn't. After this incidence my grandma accompanied me for few days and then my friend who was 3-4 years older than me came with me. One day I saw him again.  He was waiting at pool entrance door. This time I was not looking down in fear or shame but looking straight at him. I showed my friend who that person is. He retreated back. I never ever saw him again. This experience still haunts me occasionally when I hear about some young girl suffering from sexual assault. I was lucky that day to escape from a sexual predator.  I wished me or my parents reported him in police so that he would have got caught and no other girl would have suffered. Unfortunately we didn't. I can do one thing here now though and that is to decode  my experience as their is interesting human psychology that is on display.

First of all we just have to accept that these psychopaths/ sociopaths exist in between us even if very few. You don't have to go to any isolated areas to experience such humiliation. It can happen even in crowded places. These predators love themselves and will go to any extent to satisfy/please their power needs without thinking about others emotions. They can cause both physical and mental pain to others without any remorse. 

Second thing to note is body language- both my body language and that of predator's body language. My body language was one of fear. Eyes down, trying to escape with feeling of impending doom. Once he noticed how scared I was he tested me gradually. He started just by touching my shoulder. He checked if I said anything to anyone or even raised my voice to him.  I didn't. Then he advanced gradually. He was studying my reaction to see how much he can push  before getting any backlash.  It was a pure power dynamic. Predators feel that they are powerful and want to dictate the scenario. Scared to stand up for myself as a ten year old I was an easy pray for him. 

Third thing to note here is "space" dynamic. He was taking advantage of crowd- Place where his dirty acts would go unnoticed. Or rather I would be the only one who would notice them. He encroached in my safe space slowly but with aggression. He made me aware of his presence making me smaller and invisible. His smile was one of smugness making sure that I understood that he was in charge of this situation and I was his puppet. Also, the way he posed himself made it very difficult to fight back. I was not sure how and from where he was approaching me and therefore it was difficult to escape. 

Fourth and the most important reason that he got away with this was my unawareness of such things. Nobody in home or school taught me about sexual predators. They thought ten years is such a young age. I think it is still difficult for people to open up and talk about such things freely. This subject is tabooed for so long. Unfortunately evil grows in darkness- the more we hide it the more it grows. I wish all the kids will get educated about these things. The more people report-the more lives would be saved. Awareness is the key solution to these problems. 

One more thing to notice is that he was pushing me in the crowd and no one noticed. This taught me one important lesson: One has to raise her/his own voice to avoid being pray. Waiting for someone else to do something for you is not doing much for yourself. One cannot blame others for not noticing injustice. If you experience or notice -Speak up.

Another important thing to do is to document everything. Documentation makes things clearer. It can even help police later in investigation -just in case. Besides it gives you understanding of your own emotions and gives you power to speak up for justice. 

Always being aware of surrounding and not putting oneself in dangerous situation is critical. Backing off if things don't feel right is way to go: When in doubt-back out.. Our body has evolved with natural instincts that guide us all along. Due to social norms we feel burdened not to speak up. I think this was one of the reasons why I didn't said anything to him on the first place questioning his intentions. I thought I will look stupid or will get shamed. Lot of times we think these things will never happen to us. But there is always a first time. Listen to your own instincts-- They can be life saving. Learning some self-defense  strategies would always be beneficial. I wish all the kids will learn swimming and some form of martial arts as life saving strategies. I think it is more important than learning maths and science. 

This is a very personal experience that I had shared with you today. I contemplated in my mind before- to share it with you all or not. But again, I would be hiding evil behind curtain.  Hopefully my personal experience may save someone from their sufferings. Take care and Beware. -praj101