Having a baby, bringing a pet , changing cities and sometimes even countries for family and career advancement, getting an undesired medical diagnosis for myself or my loved one, getting a good career brake, taking brake from work, changing career paths, saying bye to very close friends and family , meeting dear ones after long time: not one but many - these are just few significant changes that has happened to me. Some of those were planned and some came as a surprise.I embraced desirable changes quickly. However, given my personality- I usually didn't welcome difficult changes easily. My basic nature is to maintain status quo when it comes to uncomfortable life scenarios. However, this personality has a huge drawback. When change is a must its easier to accept it and move forward than to ruminate over it again and again. Easier said than done. I say this out of experience. I would run the record of different scenarios explaining myself what should have had happened. What could I have done better. What did I do wrong ..etc. Now I am not undermining the analytical part of this rumination process to get to a better outcomes next time. The evident mental flow with rumination is how many times I am going to ruminate about it:Let's see: Twice- Great; ten Times- maybe OK ; fiftieth time- well that is a problem.
If a change is a default mode of life then why only few of us are well prepared for it. Why no one teaches us from childhood complexities of change. I am guilty of making my children's life predictable too. We never practice or discuss "Change Drills" at home. Most of the times change is so subtle and we hardly notice it and life goes on.
Although, sometimes change is dramatic. I am fortunate enough to have experience working in hospital in trauma unit and post-acute rehabilitation centers. I have met with so many patients who were getting physical therapy post trauma or post some significant medical changes. Some met with accident and lost their ability to function overnight. Some went into depression and some tried to make best of the situation. Some needed extra help from psychologist/psychiatrist. Everyone dealt with "traumatic change" differently. People who dealt with it effectively had huge network of friends and family to support them and most of them had positive outlook about life. Some engaged in process of learning about their disabilities and spend their time achieving short term goals assigned by therapist. This gave them a constructive outlet. . Some were successful and some not. However, it was never all or nothing mindset for these optimistic people. What do these optimistic people have that made them so effective? What I need learn and do to be prepared for any difficult change in my own life. Well, right now training an new puppy and taking care of him felt like a big change and my reaction to this change was lets say "undesirable". Me loosing my mental peace and sleep over such a cute thing definitely warrants a little learning for me about positive mentality towards "Change" in general.
Although, sometimes change is dramatic. I am fortunate enough to have experience working in hospital in trauma unit and post-acute rehabilitation centers. I have met with so many patients who were getting physical therapy post trauma or post some significant medical changes. Some met with accident and lost their ability to function overnight. Some went into depression and some tried to make best of the situation. Some needed extra help from psychologist/psychiatrist. Everyone dealt with "traumatic change" differently. People who dealt with it effectively had huge network of friends and family to support them and most of them had positive outlook about life. Some engaged in process of learning about their disabilities and spend their time achieving short term goals assigned by therapist. This gave them a constructive outlet. . Some were successful and some not. However, it was never all or nothing mindset for these optimistic people. What do these optimistic people have that made them so effective? What I need learn and do to be prepared for any difficult change in my own life. Well, right now training an new puppy and taking care of him felt like a big change and my reaction to this change was lets say "undesirable". Me loosing my mental peace and sleep over such a cute thing definitely warrants a little learning for me about positive mentality towards "Change" in general.
This brings down to my current issue with dealing effectively with any life change- Here are some of the steps that comes in my mind.
1. Self awareness- I know I am not a very optimistic person. I know that I generally think about worse of worse outcome. Well, this is self -awareness that will help me to accept the way I am. I know I don't like uncomfortable situations. Maybe putting myself in some of those situations knowingly, especially when there are no negative consequences except the emotional discomfort , will assist me to prepare myself for future unknown. Meditation has lot of benefits in this regards. It teaches us to look at our mind in third person perspective. However, I am not doing regular mediation. Maybe 5-10 minutes of meditation practice daily will help me understand my emotions better.
2. Importance of Physical health- I know importance of mind-body connection. To deal with my mind effectively I do need to be physically fit. A healthy diet and daily exercise routine will assist me in this journey. However, I don't change my workout routine or diet effectively. I actually like to have routine . Which is good. Though, occasionally I have to spice things up. Changing exercise routine and challenging myself with different and difficult exercises will assist me to deal with real life change. Occasional fasting or restricting my favorite foods from my diet knowingly for short amount of time can give me emotional agility. Having puppy in our life now has opened me with whole different set of outdoor activities.
3. Friends- Family-Community- I have always amazed with good will of people that surround me. Maybe its my friends and colleagues or my family members overseas that keep me feel connected. My parents, my husband and kids and my sister are my anchors who will keep me grounded. Due to our puppy, I am expanding my "community feeling" by meeting other dog owners too. Lot of times we are not alone when we encounter certain new situations. Asking for help and knowledge sharing will always strengthen the bond between us. Modelling people with better emotional resilience and getting some cues from them will serve me in long run.
4. Focusing on others- So far , as you can see, you have heard a lot about "me and my problems". I recently heard in a podcast that the minute I will change focus from me to someone else, things become easier. Maybe, I am so absorbed in this boring "me world" . Let me try to change my focus. As I said in my earlier blog, I am overwhelmed with having a puppy in my house. Now, if I change my focus from self to my puppy, things do look different. This puppy was with his mom and dad at the breeders home. He was in a safe and secure place where all his daily needs were met without difficulty from well trained people. He had other puppies as his playmates whom he was used to biting and nipping as that is part of puppy play. This sweet creature has left all of that awesome environment to come and stay with us and make this as his new home. We are novice in this puppy raising area. What a huge change for my puppy to live with us inexperienced people. I already feel sad for him. At least he deserves our full attention and love. Now as my focus has changed from me to him and his well being, I hope I will be able to better care for him.
5. Short term vs. long term Goals- Sometimes we think about short term achievements and comfort that they provide even when the overall outcome will be just a basic. Some changes are good for us. Well, at least for now I am thinking about our puppy and recent discomfort in my own sleep schedule vs. long term companionship and love our little pup will give us. Sometimes, to achieve long term goals - short term discomfort becomes part of change. Again focusing on learning process than outcome itself would make any change achievable.
6. Not being so hard on self- Sometimes, in spite of all these steps, I will be uncomfortable. Accepting discomfort as an OK emotion will ease the discomfort itself. I need to be more compassionate towards myself by giving self enough time to heal. Getting a puppy at home was big life change and I was uncomfortable. I still am. I had given myself flexibility to back out if this didn't work out. That did feel like a self-failure and I had to accept consequences with any such related decision. Accepting life's failure and self-faults can make me more wiser next time. I have to accept sad feeling associated with such decisions- if we would have actually taken it. Life if unpredictable and I am no saint. I need to be prepared for situations where I may need to confront a situation that won't be pleasant experience. I may loose sleep over the problem and even after applying all the above methods , I may not be able to achieve desired outcome. I may have to back out of the decisions that felt adventures before. I may have to think about overall picture and may make some tough decisions in life. I need to allow myself that space to maneuver in discomfort without being so rigid.
7. Importance of Professional Help- Raising a puppy is a very small and cute hurdle. In life, very difficult changes may occur. What then? In those cases, I may need to take assistance from professionals who are behavioral and mental experts such as psychologist and behavioral therapist. If unfortunate events happened in life where I am not in control of my emotions - seeking professional help will be in my and my families best interest. I have seen people spiral in depression or becoming insomniac. Unfortunately in certain parts of society there is a taboo to go and seek help from professionals. Sometimes there is a big societal pressure which is called- "What will others think?". It is sad that some people in society doesn't understand the importance of professional help. Well, I will not be one of them. If I need help in life to adjust to difficult changes, I am going to ask for professional help.
8. Asking self what the worst that can happen- Here is where my pessimistic mind will help me. These scenarios are easy for me to imagine. The next step is more important though. I need to think about the worst and then think about strategies that one can deal with worst ( need to work on this part). Focus on solutions than problems. Maybe making charts with different scenarios can help me too. This would be fun game with kids too. In Buddha's teachings and in general in Buddhism there is am emphasize on contemplating about death. Although, this may sound little extreme, it does emphasize an important aspect of life. I think the whole point of this exercise would be living in the moment and giving importance to experiences rather than materialistic things.
9. Being consistent with efforts to bring small and big changes- I am sure after writing this blog and applying these priciples will eventually make me comfortable with change. Here is the catch though. Will I be consistent with my efforts atleast till accepting change becomes a comfortable habit. Grit, after all, is a definite path forward towards desired outcome.
This brings down to last part of this blog. What can be some of the situations where one can bring change knowingly to be prepared for unknown. This is the area where I may ask others for some go to situations too. The things that come in my mind are as follows :-
1. Changing exercise and diet plan at least once a week to add an easy change in life.
2. Looking for new and creative recipes once a week.( some culinary enthusiast can do this almost daily- for me -as an average cook- once a week sounds plenty).
2. Making a significant life change -such as getting a puppy-well, that will be big one.
3. Making "Change Drills" at home. Thinking about and playing "What if scenarios- both good and bad. This will be fun and positive way to make kids learn about different scenarios too. I have seen my kids come up with awesome solutions with their innovative and creative mind than me . Discussing this with kids would be big plus.
4. Adopting a new hobby or any new artistic change. Focusing on curiosity and learning experience rather than outcome would make my mind inquisitive.
5. Keeping up with reading and writing. Lot of problems get resolved by putting one's thought in writing. Things do feel less apprehensive and rumination stops.' to learn proper technique.
6. Meditating- especially finding a teacher and if not a good online "App".
7. Confronting an issue- small one to begin with- at home and at work. Always think about and focus on solution than problem.
8. Accepting and being patient. Puppy is teaching me patience for sure. Accepting self and others as they are and saying OK to differences. To learn to accept situation- definitely engaging with others in a constructive debate with different viewpoints to prepare for differences in perspectives. In life,I will encounter with changes caused by others with different viewpoint. Giving some slack to others will make my life easier.
9. Making short and long term plans with 3 goals in each section that are significant changes than current lifestyle. Short term goals can be easy changes and long term goals will be tough changes. Having a future plan for change will make change in itself acceptable as it occurs.
10. Doing social work and/or participating in community activities. Building social network with people having same interest, views and vision for life brings sense of community. Helping others in the time of need improves compassion. Again we are buliding new friend circle with pet owners which gives me great community sense.
All in all, doing the above tasks and me effctively applying the principles into my own life will determine my future comfort level regarding change. Lets see what happens.
Praj101
7. Importance of Professional Help- Raising a puppy is a very small and cute hurdle. In life, very difficult changes may occur. What then? In those cases, I may need to take assistance from professionals who are behavioral and mental experts such as psychologist and behavioral therapist. If unfortunate events happened in life where I am not in control of my emotions - seeking professional help will be in my and my families best interest. I have seen people spiral in depression or becoming insomniac. Unfortunately in certain parts of society there is a taboo to go and seek help from professionals. Sometimes there is a big societal pressure which is called- "What will others think?". It is sad that some people in society doesn't understand the importance of professional help. Well, I will not be one of them. If I need help in life to adjust to difficult changes, I am going to ask for professional help.
8. Asking self what the worst that can happen- Here is where my pessimistic mind will help me. These scenarios are easy for me to imagine. The next step is more important though. I need to think about the worst and then think about strategies that one can deal with worst ( need to work on this part). Focus on solutions than problems. Maybe making charts with different scenarios can help me too. This would be fun game with kids too. In Buddha's teachings and in general in Buddhism there is am emphasize on contemplating about death. Although, this may sound little extreme, it does emphasize an important aspect of life. I think the whole point of this exercise would be living in the moment and giving importance to experiences rather than materialistic things.
9. Being consistent with efforts to bring small and big changes- I am sure after writing this blog and applying these priciples will eventually make me comfortable with change. Here is the catch though. Will I be consistent with my efforts atleast till accepting change becomes a comfortable habit. Grit, after all, is a definite path forward towards desired outcome.
This brings down to last part of this blog. What can be some of the situations where one can bring change knowingly to be prepared for unknown. This is the area where I may ask others for some go to situations too. The things that come in my mind are as follows :-
1. Changing exercise and diet plan at least once a week to add an easy change in life.
2. Looking for new and creative recipes once a week.( some culinary enthusiast can do this almost daily- for me -as an average cook- once a week sounds plenty).
2. Making a significant life change -such as getting a puppy-well, that will be big one.
3. Making "Change Drills" at home. Thinking about and playing "What if scenarios- both good and bad. This will be fun and positive way to make kids learn about different scenarios too. I have seen my kids come up with awesome solutions with their innovative and creative mind than me . Discussing this with kids would be big plus.
4. Adopting a new hobby or any new artistic change. Focusing on curiosity and learning experience rather than outcome would make my mind inquisitive.
5. Keeping up with reading and writing. Lot of problems get resolved by putting one's thought in writing. Things do feel less apprehensive and rumination stops.' to learn proper technique.
6. Meditating- especially finding a teacher and if not a good online "App".
7. Confronting an issue- small one to begin with- at home and at work. Always think about and focus on solution than problem.
8. Accepting and being patient. Puppy is teaching me patience for sure. Accepting self and others as they are and saying OK to differences. To learn to accept situation- definitely engaging with others in a constructive debate with different viewpoints to prepare for differences in perspectives. In life,I will encounter with changes caused by others with different viewpoint. Giving some slack to others will make my life easier.
9. Making short and long term plans with 3 goals in each section that are significant changes than current lifestyle. Short term goals can be easy changes and long term goals will be tough changes. Having a future plan for change will make change in itself acceptable as it occurs.
10. Doing social work and/or participating in community activities. Building social network with people having same interest, views and vision for life brings sense of community. Helping others in the time of need improves compassion. Again we are buliding new friend circle with pet owners which gives me great community sense.
All in all, doing the above tasks and me effctively applying the principles into my own life will determine my future comfort level regarding change. Lets see what happens.
Praj101
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