The most difficult part

I am striving health enthusiast or so I think. I have traveled a bitter-sweet journey of loosing significant weight and still there are ways to go. However, there is one habit that I find very difficult to break. This habit is what I call “after work pantry party”. Self explanatory ...right. I come home from work. I go straight into pantry. I binge eat . I literally go into trance where I have no clue what I am doing until I am done riding this crazy hunger horse. After binge eating, I become aware of this situation immediately leading to another period filled with guilt, shame and anger. I can be “not so nice” to anyone else around me when I am in this realm of self criticism. I want to change things but unfortunately all this awareness comes after those 1000 calories are sitting in my tummy and eventually in my butt. I have put a whole bunch of thought about how to improve myself in this situation. I have tried different self correction paths. I have kept healthy food around so I will reach for something healthy. I have decided I will eat salad before coming home etc. but so far nothing has worked.

 I have come up with different hypothesis about why I fail . The first one is I have zero will power in that hour of day where I just want to be not-judge and do what I want to do. The second one- I  was used to eating something after coI ming back from school as a kid  and this habit brings back that homely vibe. Third one- I don't eat enough throughout the day and I am crazy hungry after coming back home. Whatever it is, the objective has always been how can I change this poor habit and be better. Honestly, I am writing this blog exactly after my regular binge eating episode today.

As one can see in this whole hypothesis thingy  .. one theme is common.. I desperately want to change myself. Unfortunately, I am not happy  with who I am.  Something about that slim body image makes me sabotage my own body hunger cues. Aren't there better things for me to do than wasting my time on this same thought cycle. May be instead of trying to “improve” myself I need to be more compassionate towards me.I think this is most difficult part. Self compassion. Isn't my brain works better/smarter rest of the day. May be I will adjust my calorie needs accordingly the rest of the day to compensate for my evening eating.

This will be an interesting experiment of course and I am curious to find how this will go. I am aware that my hunger cues may be totally on wrong track( self criticism again... hmm). But at least I am going to approach it differently this time. I have opportunity to be nice with myself. Lets see..