Cultural Pains

Chapter 2:

A recent experience hit very close to Anjali’s heart. As an engineer, from a science background and being focused on day to day hub-hub, she appeared to be  quiet distant to sexist remarks in day to day life. However, her recent endeavour to publish a novel was a knock on her internal artistic side. She was even looking forward to explore even further. It was a simple project at its best with hardly any monetary success associated with it. Nonetheless, Anjali was happy. The outpouring support and congratulations from her friends and family members elevated her mood. She was taking in all that “happy energy” in to work on her next project. Everything was going as expected when her happy-bubble bursts like a balloon bringing her right to the ground. A simple comment by her mother-in-law has made that burst. Anjali’s mother-in-law, for some unknown reason, congratulated Anjali along with her son at the same time for publishing a book. Anjali didn’t know why she congratulated her son and it just felt weird. Did her mother-in-law meant that he was an inspiration behind her book? If yes, why not mention her other son. Or was she trying to say, he participated in the writing. Which was definitely not true. Anjali replied back earnestly that she wrote the book and her son has no true contribution in the project. The whole confusion was topped by one of her brother-in-law’s comment that as a mother, children are always at the center of inspiration. He said that children inspire us to reach new heights and that's why it is appropriate for Anjali to congratulate her own kids when she achieved something in her life. Anjali thought for a moment. It is true that she love her kids more than anyone in the world and they are center of her attention. One can even say that they are aspiring fountains of joy. But is this what was really going on here. Just a misunderstanding. Afterall, we want to emphasize all the rainbows and unicorns.  Before publishing the book, she has mentioned her recent adventure to both her mother-in-law and sister-in-law for a .kind support. Unlike her parents, there was definitely lack of any excitement or pride. Her sister-in-law has even stated weirdly that she is glad that Anjali has lot of “free time” in her hand. Anjali’s sister-in-law knew that Anjali works and do take care of kids. There is nothing that remotely suggest free time in her daily routine. Even if she would have been a stay home mom, publishing a book would still have been a reason to celebrate. The intention behind their comments were mainly to downplay Anjali’s creativity and hard work. The intentions behind their comments were not new to Anjali. It had always been like this. Anjali trying to prove her worth and whatever she does, she would bogged down by her in-laws mean spirits. The emotional turmoil that Anjali faced was filled with sadness and anger. Why should she care what they think? How does that even matter? Anjali knew she could not discuss her feelings openly with her mom and not with her husband ether. Anjali’s mom has gone through lot more hardship in her own life and she would feel such a simple comment anything but important. She would rather have her daughter easily ignore an emotional conflict and move forward happily maintaining all the good relationships that she has built over the years. Anjali’s husband, fearful with any confrontation with his old parents, would like to stay out of spotlight and hoping he would not ever have to stand up for something as trivial as this to cause any trenches in relationships. Basically, Anjali’s husband and mother were both voting for unicorns and rainbows. “All is well” attitude. And for last twenty years, Anjali has done the same. Going ahead with usual agenda of “All is Well”. Never speaking up for what she feels right. Unfortunately,  it felt like a big fat lie that she was harboring inside. The lie that has never given her any peace of mind. Why? Was she attention seeker.. Always trying for others approval. However, a downward comment from an unknown person wouldn't have hurt her. Aren’t they her own people whom she was expecting respect. Or were they?

Lets see why Anjali felt this way and why everyone objects.

1.Indian culture is fudging hypocrite. There is no good way to put it. There are lot of fudge-heads who wants to maintain status quo and doesn’t want to be challenged. The woman is depicted as some kind of saint who should be OK with this sexist agenda . Put her on a high moral position and have her stand up for a caring, loving and sacrificing statue. Men, in contrast, take a position of power and if someone decides to stand up against this mismatch then those woman are called angry birds.

2. For a woman to cry out loud for injustice, she really has to suffer -like literal abuse(physical and mental) . It has to be so fudging bad that she has to go to police for that. The silent assumption is that the smaller level insults/comments are part of life that she can easily take and ignore. People say- Just deal with it ,nicely. Hush-hush. Keep your discomfort aside or even better inside. Most of this fudging agenda is set up by woman equally who themselves want to keep the status quo for some abnormal family dynamic. Afterall, the comment that Anjali got is so bening that she can ignore it easily. Can’t she? Or at least that’s the expectation. That is always an expectation.

3. Apparently, these small harsh comments and hush-hush behind them is cause of Anjali’s discomfort. If she has been always treated like a throw-rug then she is going to feel like one. And when someone says that that’s OK, that’s not a big deal then it feels like a personal insult. The mistake that Anjali did was not only that she kept quiet for so long but also she did not let the other party know what the boundaries are. What are her expectations as a fair treatment.

4. Lot of times Anjali’s husband has said to her that if you are content with yourself then you don’t have to worry about what others have said. Again a rainbow talk. The reality lies here. Anjali’s husband was treated with respect with his in-laws. There were not any grand expectation from him. Anjali’s parents respected his parents too. On the other hand, Anjali’s valid frustration comes from varied insults over the years directed towards her and her parents for no valid reason. This frustration that Anjali experience  is never about one incidence but with wide-ranging experiences she had over years. Frustration builds up...period. Again some personalities may be able to let go-but not all. And for someone like Anjali, who strives for human equality, it hurts to see disparities in her own home.

5. As parents of her husband ,the difference of treatments that their son-in-law got was hugely differed from what she got in their marriage. Anjali said that as a daughter-in-law she was expected to be kind ,generous and  hardworking. She was never dependent on her in-laws for anything and they never helped her raising her kids even when lot of opportunities presented. Unlike this, her in-laws always supported physically, mentally and financially their daughter and her husband. They took care of her sister-in-laws family with love and kindness. This really hurted Anaji’s feelings. Why? Simple reason is this: this is fudging Indian culture and this is how its done. Her in-laws never congratulated their grandson when Anjali’s husband, her sister-in-law or sister-in-laws’s husband achieved something. At that time,  it was their own achievements. Apparently, Children didn’t inspire them. Hypocrisy at its best.

4. This brings up the most important point. What’s the virtue of patience, love, kindness, respect of elders that we wow in our culture. I think these shiny medals are good to be adored when society is just and fair. And the injustice , even if smaller is answered as needed. The possibility of loving-kindness is justified when fairness is established first. And above virtues should not be expected only from a woman.  .

5. As far as family life goes, husband should take care of his parents and wife should take care of hers .Equal responsibility should be put on daughter and her husband as we don’t want them to be just takers. When a husband allows his parents and sisters to downgrade his wife in front of them, he should think about very essential thing.: Does his parents downgrade his son-in-laws and son-in-laws parents the same way. If not, then how can he allow such a reckless behaviour towards his own family. If he won’t stand for his own family’s respect  then who will? If he is allowing disrespect towards his own wife then it will be ironic to expect respect from his wife for him and his parents. And if differences persist then it is just better to keep distance as needed to maintain a peace.

6. As much as it is important to respect elders, the society should remember that wife’s parents are elders too. They deserve equal respect.

7. Everyone has a value, a vision that they abide with when leading their life. For me among other things, it is important for equal treatment for woman. Not leaning towards equal treatment- as that is fudging billship. Totally equal treatment for both men and women. A true freedom to pursuit happiness, passion and love without fear of rape, misogyny and disrespect.

I asked Anjali if this brother-in-law who gave “kids are inspiration” comment  has a daughter? Going ahead in life, I wish she will have equal opportunities too. And she doesn’t have to hide behind mask of caring, loving goddess. I believe or atleast hope that she will be already part of fair society that in itself will care and love and respect-EVERYONE.  

-praj101

(“ Anjali” is a fictional name for someone that I know and want to hide her identity).