Novel- Need to survive- Chapter 2

He was waiting at the parking lot for half an hour now. His calm persona would have made him a hell of a psychologist. It's not that he was not intrigued by human psychology. He loved it. He studied it with some self interest of course. Sociopath- Psychopath- Personality disorder. Not sure exactly what, but he was one of it.  He never wanted to fit in one bin though. Besides, these so called academic scholars would have got it all wrong. "Who cares," he jerked the thought. "Stay Focus, you pervert," he calmed himself. It was a bad humor - his rational brain reminding him of his abnormality- being  an evil , a wrongdoer. Somehow, that made him stronger. Made him vigilant.  His passion for crime was tamed with studied methodology and good preparation with a simple goal-  that is- to never get caught. After all, he was in this business of "passion"  for long time now.  A sudden sympathy rose inside him for law enforcement who were not able to caught him for so long. "Stay Focus, Stay present" he  reprimanded himself and counted his breaths again to regain his control. He knew how to tell his mind that he is in-charge. Arrogant mind can mess things up. He knew that. He waited quietly. Waited for a fish to take a bait. It was around 9:30 PM at night. Most of the parking lot was empty. He had carefully parked himself at a spot where it would be difficult for security cameras to catch his glimpse. Besides, he was wearing all black jumpsuit with black mask covering his face. One can still make-out his well bulit body with sharp features in spite of it conceled underneath the jumpsuit. He was waiting behind a bush like a shadow.  He would make his victims drive him in their cars where he wants to finish the job.  He was used to this routine as he has tried it so many times before- successfully. Finally, he saw her while she muscled herself out of the shop wearing her high heels.  "Only fools shop at night," He smirked.  She must be in her twenties. Her gaze fixed on her phone while she was performing a balancing act of carrying grocery bags. Her delicious curves were blossomed in her tight dress. "A  flower about to be weathered. Who knew a dress like that would attract creeps like me," he murmured. Her parking spot was closer to the shop. "It would be inconvenient but possible," he uttered.  He was about to head towards her way when he saw someone else. He stopped and backed off. "What the heck, stay with plan you moron," he mumbled to himself. But then his conflicting mind reminded him that he loved adventures. A new type, a new race. Frankly, he has seen most of  it all. Teenage girls, woman in their twenties, thirties even  forties- you name it. Most of them were pretty but some were not. He never differentiated- well, atleast not intentianally.  After all, fear is what connected them all . Some cursed. Some cried. But all feared. Fear was one thing that gave him immense satisfaction. Yet, they were all white. And now all dead. Here is a fine chance for a little change, He thought.  A logic , how much ever evil , reminded him to go with his usual route. Unfortunately the audacity succeeded.
This was a Indian breed or somewhere from that region. She definitely looked old. These greasy sorts do, he thought.  The ugliest type who would not even attract a fly. No makeup- No desire to attract a man or maybe downright lazy.  He saw a bulging stomach protruding through her striped shirt. Sure laziness- he smirked. The lack of self confidence was written all over her weary face. Head down, searching for a ground, she was heading towards her black Honda pilot with heavy tired steps. She is going to froze like a dead bird- he thought ostentetiosly. She is going to beg for her life - to me or to one of their Gods. I hope its me. He thought darkly.  As, none of those Gods can help her. "These freaking idiot Indian, with their stupid Indian accent," he said twisting his mouth. He was getting cocky now. "They have so much money just sitting high in their status chair. And yet, they are absolutely boring". A superiority that he tamed so far was showing up  and he didn't even noticed it this time. What a shame that I exist.  Let me give a good shake to these freaking mousy Indians, he thought arrogantly. Well, well. A good game change. She looks like  an easy pray. If nothing else, he was sure about the terror that he would evoke in her eyes- till the very end. One hand on his handgun, he glided towards her, ready for this new thrill. -praj101

Novel- Need to Survive- Chapter 1

Need to Survive

Chapter 1:

 3:30 PM. Neha gave a quick glance at the clock. " Need to stop watching 'Crown' now," she said firmly.  Her recent favorite serial on Netflix  had grabbed her attention and all the British Royal drama has taken her into virtual world. British Monarch's daring and confident attitude was dazzling, she thought. She didn't even imagined of comparing her monotonous life to Queens. She quickly put away her IPad. Her binge watching has been worsened since last year. Neha was aware of this fact but  still managed to ignored it . It is always better to look at interesting lives online than peek in my own, she thought with a guilt pouring in. In her mid-forties now, Neha had no drive to do anything even close to daring. Its been twenty years since she got married to Raj and came to US. A typical Indian arrange marriage that worked pretty well for her. Within couple of years of their marriage they had Rohan, her baby, who was in undergrad program now and only few hours away from Houston suburb where Raj and Neha lived. Raj, a brilliant software engineer, had climbed corporate ladder effortlessly while Neha managed home taking care of Rohan- looking after his studies and after- school activities.  Last year Rohan joined university of Texas, Austin for his undergraduate program. A sudden void grabbed Neha and Netflix did awesome job to fill it. She missed Rohan dearly but eventually adjusted to her new normality.  She will call Rohan at least once a day. That was her solace. But other than that a regular house-wife routine is all that she dragged forward. It definitely felt like a drag.  Raj would come back by 6 PM and day will end pretty soon.  Since few years now, her and Raj's conversations have become more sporadic beyond basic greetings. Raj would come home, drink tea while looking at his IPhone transfixed and then will go to his in- home office to work. If he is not busy at work then he would spend time with his friends. Raj was athletic with huge interest in Badminton, tennis and golf to name a few. His weekend would be busy with league tournaments. Honestly, Neha hated the fact that Raj looked at least ten years younger than her. But at the core of this envy was more of her own insignificance that she felt. Neha did socialize enough to find herself going for potluck parties in her Indian friend-circles on weekends. She had few close friends whom she met with regularly. But her outside home partying and shopping was still limited. She would rather spend time in her home  tidying their big house – six bedrooms,four bathrooms to be exact and did so very proudly. She was an ordinary cook.  Her culinary skills were vastly limited to Indian food. Since Rohan went to college, her overall interest in cooking diminished even further. Raj was there in her life but hardly present. She thought he was always quiet around her but sprung into life around his friends. Neha, being introvert, didn't mind.  Neha did her job maintaining their house doing general cooking and cleaning chores. Surrounding herself with friends alike she thought that is all there is to life. A typical life for stay in-home wife. Since last ten years or so, she and Raj drew apart. Neha was aware of this painful truth. But she was well equipped with her 'its all OK ' attitude and didn't bother to change a thing. A grave mistake indeed.  On that Thursday evening, when she looked at her clock she got out of her bedroom and went downstairs. A usual routine ensued. Time to cook for the dinner. Raj would be back from the office soon. She cooked Roti and palak paneer and put rice cooker on stove. By six, food was ready. She called Raj to check on his status. He appeared weary but that was typical of him. He had demanding job. He must be tired, she thought. His ginger tea was about to be ready when she heard door knob clicking. Raj was back.  She always felt a deep relaxation when he came home. Unknowingly, she waited for his presence. She thought that he is north star of her stability. Of course, the newly married couples romance has been vanished. But he was still most essential part of her life. Rather, most of the times when he would come late at home, she would worry about him with panic building inside her. She knew one thing for sure -she cannot live without him. As usual, Raj came in living room and sat down on a couch. His gaze on the ground searching for words. She thought something must be bothering him today. She has always made a point to not ask him about his work. She knew he never liked it. She gave him tea. With an unconvincing voice she said” how was your day?” He took a deep sigh.  Neha looked intently. If she asked him again, she knew , he won't be happy and most likely will roll his eyes and walk away. This has happened before. So she waited quietly. He took another sigh. She was worried now. Is he OK?  Is Rohan OK?  She was very uncomfortable to hold her worry back. She convinced herself reluctantly, it must be one of those days at work and started to walk back to kitchen. Suddenly she heard Raj's sheepish voice. " Neha, I want to talk to you. Can you please come here". This is unusual, Neha thought to herself. She quietly went back and sat next to him. She thought of putting her hand on his but held back.  He looked up. And with intense look in his eyes he said, “Neha, it's not working anymore".  What is not working anymore? Neha looked with confusion. Did she missed something? Is it his Job? Is he suggesting we have to move somewhere else?  Raj looked at her perplexed look and must have thought to elaborate.  He said again. “I want you not to panic. We will sort things out. Don't worry about money." It still didn't dawned on Neha. For a second ,she wondered  if he is talking about their marriage.She brushed that thought immediately. She had a  steady marriage- twenty years is long time. she was convinced.  Besides, He is almost in his fifties now. So she waited for him to clarify.  " I am talking about our marriage Neha. It's not working . We have grew apart and I don't have same feelings for you anymore. Are you getting it? " His voice was shaking -with disgust and anxiety.  A horror of what is coming next made Neha numb. She hold his hand tight. “ Raj, you are freaking me out. What is not working anymore? I love you. You and Rohan are all that I have”, She said earnesetly. Unfortunately, Raj was not looking at her.  His eyes were fixed on the ground. He said once more- this time leaving no confusion behind, “ I am sorry Neha". No he is not Sorry. Is he relived, relived from the burden, burden of her, burden of their marriage. She thought to herself.  He continued saying, " I want a way out. For good.  We can not go along pretending that we love each other. We don't. Its time to split.”- praj101

Maybe- this is also what Krishna meant

कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन ।

This, by far, is the most famous line from Geeta that I know of. The way I remember the whole thing is from my childhood's favorite series  'Mahabharat' . In the 'war zone' while fighting against his own cousins, Arjun had second thoughts about the war. He was looking at his family members and was sadden about the whole war ordeal. He feared that he may actually end up hurting  his family including "Bhishma"- his beloved grandfather. During this very tender moment, Krishna revealed himself as God and explained Arjun that as a "Yoddha" it is his true duty towards his citizens to act like warrior for their good. My very frugal knowledge of Geeta also tells me that Krishna explained Arjun about birth-rebirth concept, Karma concept  and a solution of  what needs to be done to end this Karmic chakra- basically to achieve Nirvana. Krishna nudged Arjun to stop being coward by not finishing his assigned job of fighting for good. 

Now, as much as I am happy with this outcome of good winning over evil, it left a slight conundrum inside. What if Arjun would have chosen second path of leaving the war. Not out of fear, but with good intent of love for his family and his citizens. My basic instinct tells me that he would have been shamed and ridiculed by "Kauravas" and his dear brothers "pandavas"  would have felt betrayed .  Most likely, in that scenario, Krishna would have still helped pandavas and pandavas would have still won the war. Would making this choice of leaving the war would have made Arjun a coward ?  Of course, it would have been totally divergent path compared to what is expected from a warrior prince. Lets go forward with this very assumption- Arjun chossing to leave the war but with a solid explanation. What if Arjun would have explained earnestly that  as a warrior it is his duty to protect people of his kingdom- the ones that he will end up fighting against and shedding their blood. Also, what if he would have openly talked about his vulnerability, his love for his family. After all, the war was between cousin  brothers who disagreed. Few decades after the war, Arjun would have been mostly forgotten for not participating or even would have got bad name. Nonetheless, there is a minuscule possibility that Arjun would have been visionary ending up avoiding war. Can you imagine the best warrior in the world choosing the path of peace-  even when he knew that God is on his side? Only a super crazy or  super courageous person could do that. I agree that wars are inevitable sometimes and soldiers and leaders even line up their lives to protect their country. And this act of selflessness is revered universally. The situation with Arjun was slightly different though. He wanted to back out. He didn't wanted to fight. And that is why him choosing this path of backing out  would have been aligned with his views and believes. And he would have chosen this path with no guarantee of results.  I believe it could have opened up a different way of thinking even at those times. One could have followed Arjun's path of diplomacy and compassion and  would have felt free to make such hard life choices not just by their basic training ( basic Dharma) but also by considering emotions of self and others. This could have opened a possibility for other warriors to walk away from violence in spite of what social norm of 'do or die' says.  

What would you prefer in given situation? A war between countries just because leaders are not getting along or more diplomatic path forward. I know for certain that almost all of us would prefer peace. And if we prefer peace then won't it be arrogant of us  to assume people of those times wouldn't. Now, will I be bold to say that even Krishna would have been pleased with this choice. Here is why I think that. There are two examples come in my mind who have chosen such a radical path and have succeeded immensely at the same time. First- a warrior prince who chose this path of "peace"  thousands of years ago was Siddharth- who later became Buddha. . Being a brave prince, he not only wanted to protect his kingdom but wanted to protect the whole humankind from suffering. He tried his best to avoid wars. And looking at the end results here , Buddha did achieve Nirvana the very thing Krishna was preaching about. The other example is Gandhi-ji. His non-violence mantra was able to gather all the Indians behind him for the fight of independence against British raj. He did win this war successfully without violence. Is it even possible then that when Krishna meant to choose a path of good- he meant this one? A path of kindness and compassion.  -praj101

Nudging self out of comfort zone

My friend asked me today with  surprise – aren't you Minimalist already?  Why do you have so much interest in Marie Kondo method? Aren't you already done with this organization stuff?  I started wondering too. Why the heck I have so much interest in this subject?  Maybe there is nothing there. The only excuse that I find for my behavior is that I don't want to get settled in. I want to nudge myself out of  my comfort zone. Believe me, doing anything out of comfort zone is not me.  I like to stick to my routine.. No changes please. Then how come I am striving for different options, different ways in this subject of de-cluttering? It seems foolish that I am still eager to try new things - even when I have found my 'happy rhythm'.

 Here is my fear though. Generally, life is not defined by 'constant'. Someone wise has said that the only constant in life is change. Change is going to happen even if I want it or not. And change can be determined by mainly three factors. These are - 1. my old habit patterns, 2. the societal norm and 3. our genetic predisposition as human species. 

My personality and history of my old habits points me towards shopping- me shopping aimlessly in the mall. I can easily get back into my former ways and start hoarding stuff if I don't make sincere efforts to stay on this chosen path.  Society will encourage me to stay consumerist.  We live in capitalistic society where advertisements and self image drives our behavior. People like me, knowingly or unknowingly, will  make choices that boost our self ego which is defined by materialistic success.

As far as genetic norms go, greed is basic form of human nature. In the past, greed has served us well. Our desire for higher status lead to survival of the fittest and hoarding necessary things has made us survive in very harsh conditions. But this materialistic revolution is new to our genes too and they didn't get a chance to adopt to these modern times.

So, all in all, these environmental and genetic forces along with my personality traits can easily take me into opposite direction. 

I know the consensus about health and fitness is set and I will be guided in right direction even if I am not in-charge. But I guess, that is not true for de-cluttering.  I am trying to go against the stream here. And that's why, maybe, I am trying to keep myself engaged by staying curious. Being curious about different ways of de-cluttering and making it more fun for me will keep me going. Reading what like-minded people write will give me confidence boost. Honestly, there is lot for me to learn, to explore. 

Here is my vision for the future. I wish, in the future, it will be "cool" to be minimalist (my innate desire to be 'cool' is so apparent..ha ha)  I think this minimalistic trend is already happening in countries like Japan. Hopefully, the world will catch up. When this lifestyle of having less and having only those things that we enjoy becomes mainstream, it will be effortless for me to ride along. But again, at present,  people have different preferences and I don't fit in most of them .  I am an odd apple. I won't mind that. I know, for me,  this minimalist path will take me towards my happiness - as long as I nudge myself out of my comfort zone. -praj101

Tidying Marathon

  I have been influenced in the past by lot of authors. I appreciate the way they have guided me with their inspiring thoughts..  But she is different.  She is like a fairy.. sprinkling "tidying"dust on me..A pixie who is spreading joy. She is someone who has galvanize me to make my life radiant. I cherish her. Her name is Marie Kondo. Author of two books- 'the life changing magic of tidying up' and 'spark joy'. I am reading and re-reading her books like an addict. Absorbing anything and everything that she has to say. I was already convinced about minimalism. But Marie showed me a positive way to minimize. A way where we find joy.  She is compelling me to  ask myself about how I feel regarding "things" and this has been self exploration in itself. I was trying minimization to reduce anxiety, reduce stress. But instead of subtracting negatives , Marie taught me how to add bliss. Her approach is positive. She does not teach aversion to material things but she teaches to focus on contentment and pleasure that things bring. De cluttering is still a major part of her exploration. But now I dream about adding - adding some color to my decor with flowers, adding aroma with essential oils, adding a feel with texture.  According to her, even simple act of arranging clothes can have visual appeal.  Simplicity in storage is her cornerstone. She has one mantra- "Does this thing brings you Joy?" - that's it. As per Marie, when we keep our home tidy, bring some order in our life and ask ourselves what brings us joy - our passions come out of the clutter and stand out. I am eager to see what it brings up for me. Therefore I am signing up for "Tidying Marathon". Its going to be my immersion in tidying everything  from clothes, books, kitchen utensils to  all the miscellaneous items and sentimental items. When? - Anytime that is available in my busy schedule -after work , on weekends.  I am confident that it will an enjoyable journey. A self exploration Journey. Am I ready? More than you think. - praj 101

It's breathing

My house is breathing. Everything in it is breathing. Some of it is happy, some tired and some dissatisfied.  I hear it- I see it- I feel it.
I woke up in the morning. Folded my sheets. Slide my hand on the bed. I said," You gave me good night sleep. I rested peacefully. Thank You!" I wore my navy blue scrubs, wore my shoes, took my purse and drove to work. I looked at them. I love my shoes. They protect my feet. I am standing all day long. But they never complain. They seem happy. My scrubs have pockets. My daily patients list, pen , gloves everything nicely tucked in. They are like my extra two hands. My phone ringed. I used my phone so much. To check whats app, to check messages, to call , to talk, to browse Internet. Coming back from work I feel tired. I wondered how all my belongings feel. I put them away. They must be tired too.  I touched them and said “ Thanks You!”.
 I was looking around in my house. Today , two years after buying home, for the very first time I was purposefully looking at everything I owned. Marie Kondo said in her book that appreciate everything you have. Say, Thank you!  First it sounded "sugary". A kind of things hippies will do. But then thinking back I never took time to express my appreciation. I felt sheepish.  Its not that I never appreciate what I had. I did.  But I never did it intentionally. It was superficial.
Today I decided to take time to look around. Touch everything that belongs to me.  I felt everything that I owned is looking back at me. I think they have their own opinions, own feelings. Do they judge me?  Am I being good to them? After all I own them. They are mine.   I stood in front of them. Asked them how they feel. Things that I love, that are used regularly, were happy. Satisfied. They felt their purpose is served. Clothes, kitchen utensils, bathroom accessories- everything that gets used were content. I Thanked them.  There were few of those things who had some flair. They were poised elegantly as if they knew they were reserved for very special occasions- those  Saree's , Crockery sets etc. I thought they were in good mood.  I felt my indoor plants were sitting in peace next to Buddha statue. I felt calm. I felt positive energy.
Then I went to book shelves. I have de cluttered /donated few books before. First I kind of felt good about myself. I thought all these remaining ones add value.  But I think some of those books were raising their eyebrows. "Be honest to yourself dear", they were saying. "You are holding us back. You haven't touch us for long and most of us you already read. Can you please pass us along. We want to be useful. We don't belong in shelves. We belong in hands. Give us to Library". I bit my lips feeling gulity.
I went through my closet. I have so many clothes . I have done lot of decluttering before. Do all the remaining clothes bring Joy? Marie Kondo said , hold them- feel them. If they bring joy then keep them. I did the same. There were few withered clothes. I have used them a lot. They were telling me that its time for them to retire. "Recycle us. We need to go back to earth". I got a bag and put them in it- saying "Thank You". I looked at some other clothes. I hardly used them.  Some even had their tags on. Some were tight, some were loose and some were just not my type. But all of them appeared sad.  I said, "Sorry". They said, "give us away. Someone else can use us. We are just sitting. Don't keep us hanging". “Honestly it is just so hard to let go”, I said. They gave me an assuring look. “Knowing is first step.  You will get there”.   "Thank You for being patient” I said with a smile.
 I know I am trying my best.  But when I tried to feel them  - they became alive- something shifted inside  me. They are not just things any more. I feel an urge to treat them with love and respect. I think they love me back. Remember " Toy Story " movie. Just like those toys, I think,  everything around us breaths in their own "not with oxygen” way. Science hasn’t understood it yet- but I feel it. Pay attention and you will feel it too.  Us and Them - all made with atoms and molecules- all connected  with energy.  Now, when I enter my home and look around, I get a vibe. Even if home is superficially clean, with cluttered closets, I feel the noise. The discontent. I think everything needs its proper place to rest - to revive - ready to be used again. Just like us. To bring Peace - To bring Joy. To breath better. Do you hear it? It’s breathing. - praj101

Pani-Puri

Puri Puffs -give a  bump
Potato-Chickpeas fill in some
Spicy Water-take a dunk
Pani-Puri is ready - Yum Yum

Family Gathering  - a perfect snack
Or just for You After work
In the home or on the street
Sweet and Sour ultimate treat

One ,Two, Three - Oh! Don’t keep count
More the Merrier when friends are around
A  Fun Fiesta, with Giggles and Laughter
Truly indulgent  get-together

Put it whole, in the mouth
Let some 'spicy water' flow out
Close the eyes -Submerge in delight
Feel the bliss in every bite

Imli- Jaggery-Coriander- Mint-Chili
So many flavors- bouncing in my Belly
Heart leaps up- a " Happy Ahoy"
Pani-Puri is a pure Joy

praj101

One at a time....

I thought finding audible App( where I can listen to books online)  might have been the best thing that has happened to me. I always loved books. It was hard for me to put a good book down once I started. They can be addictive you know. As I got older, I was busy with other things in life. An occasional read is all I did.  I missed reading dearly. But that's life. However, recently when I found audible - I was ecstatic. I found a treasure and a way to savor it- everyday- all day long.  In the beginning, I started listening to books on my drive back and forth from work. And now, since last few days, I am listening to books while cooking, cleaning, folding laundry and just about while doing anything. Simple calculation : I love books + I don't enjoy half of my daily chores = I listen to books while doing chores.  Audible, makes me winner... isn't it? Answer should be " yes", but is it?  I mean, App is pretty good. But somehow, this lifestyle is leaving me feeling guilty.  I feel superficial. Personally, since last few days I have eaten junk food beyond my daily fill, I have ignored exercise and I have gained weight. I also know that when my kids are talking to me - there voices, which are so important to me, have become a background noise. I was playing "Uno" with them the other day while listening to a mystery novel. I felt that I was trying to focus on two things but unable to give my complete attention to even one. Everything feels  half done. Not a good feeling.  There is always an urge to sit and listen and listen to some more. A feeling that keeps me empty- never satisfied- just like an addiction. When I used to read books- I used to read books. There was less productivity but no guilt. You can read only so much while ignoring all other daily activities. Thinking back- It feels like Deja Vu. There was a time when I was watching IPad while loading dishwasher and folding laundry. Generally it takes fifteen minutes for me to load dishwasher, but with my eyes glued to screen-it was thirty minutes... sometimes even more. Luckily, I broke that habit. I thought, since I am listening to books this time and not watching sitcoms on IPad- it will be different. But not really. This divided attention makes me feel sluggish. It leaves void inside me. Books are there to set me free- not to enslave me.  I know better.  I deserve a  clarity- a life with focus.  Even if I read for 10 minutes a day- that's OK. But I don't want to do anything else while reading. And even if I feel urge to relax while doing daily chores and watch or listen a bit... I should be patient. May be that will give me motivation to be more efficient. Besides, nicely folding a laundry is a task that gives me joy. Keeping house tidy and neat is rewarding in itself. And playing with kids and talking to them  about their day is a precious time that will never come back. It will be a shame if I miss all that. Need to slow down. No more jumbling things.  Instead, doing them one at a time. Yes, one thing at a time.- praj101