Being Proud Punekar

Here is a thing. I am born and brought up in Pune. I spend my childhood in an education aspiring, liberal , confident and beautiful city that I adore with my heart. All my best memories about my city  come from my family and friends in Pune. We all are still very close and share a strong bond. Therefore, when mean and ridiculing messages circulate about “Pune” I feel discomfort. Most of the times I can just smile through situation ignoring the comment. . However, that is not always the case. My perception about the “ funny” ( with hidden meanness) comment changes immediately if it comes from friends and family who are not originally from Pune. A joke is a joke when one does it on oneself. It is almost bullying in a shade of verbal harassment if it’s coming from someone outside Pune. So for all the true Puneits, here is my take on the whole thing.

1. You don’t have to feel comfortable if someone is saying bad things about Pune. Feel absolutely OK to be  annoyed.  As I said , someone outside Pune cannot make joke about Pune with just fun spirit and if they claim as their intention then feel free to comment on their city without hesitation. It is just that you have to express your anger in a fun or matter of fact way.

2. There are lot of people who live in pune, earn money in Pune, send their kids to school in Pune and  even come for medical treatment. Some people already have and some like to have property investment in Pune. These people who make fun of Pune are the worst kind. They are ungrateful. You can just say matter of factly “ you don’t have to live here if you don’t like. Please move out”. Or why don’t you find any other city to get medical treatment. It’s like eating in a plate and shitting in it you know.  Most of the time these people have their defense ready saying oh everyone says that- it’s not just me. The implication is clear that they don’t want to take blame for their comment while amusing at it. This is a bully behavior. You can gladly tell them that. .  Especially when they know that you or your family is from Pune then the things become shady. My favorite strategy  is to divert conversation towards them and their city. Instead of you going into defensive mode you bring them in the center of discussion. If God forbid they say that their is nothing wrong with their city then that implies  “ arrogance” which you can point out again with hint of amusement.

3. I have seen people who have absolutely verbally discomforted their pune friends and families without any forethought. Now a person who has to listen to this BS every time do have to walk a tight rope. The best thing is to draw line beforehand in first few of these incidences.  -I always ask myself-would it have been OK if I would have teased them? Or would that have been offensive to them? You bet- it would be. Therefore, it is again all about how much you want to stretch the matter. A funny remark should be sufficient, hopefully. As far as my psychology knowledge goes - it’s always better to draw the line about what is acceptable than allow people to use you or in this case your city as a throw rug. 

4. If Punekars are pointing out their own flaws in fun way then I am all for it. However, that should not be true with everyone. If you are not comfortable, just say out loud. 

5. Do I care what others say about my city? Of course I do. I love my city. Don’t you feel proud about your roots.. I feel proud about my school, my college and my place of work. I am part of it and I feel loyal. Maybe not all the people feel this way. That’s not my problem.  My kids go to Taekwando. The first precept of it is “ Be loyal to your country “. There is always pride in being loyal to where one comes from and where one lives or has some connection connected with his or her well being. Unfortunately Punekars get hammered about this loyalty. 

6. Lot of people make fun of Punekars laziness and straightforwardness. I don’t think Punekars are lazy. If they would have been , they wouldn’t have made so much progress. Also, it’s better to be straightforward instead of gossiping behind back.
7. I understand, as a common sense, that one can have all kinds of people in a city. Good, bad and ugly. Every city has its own charm. I wish everyone sees it this way.

With all this write up I know non- Punekars and some Punekars are going to say that I am too touchy. I am sensitive when it comes to Pune. To all those people - you are right. I do care very much- love you Pune.:)

- praj101 

Being beautiful- blah blah

I used to look OKAY . And I tried and tried some more you know just usual stuff- getting old chronologically , having kids,  having job and the hormones-oh yes- those crazy hormones..  And now, after so much “hard work”... I just got little uglier?-older. Thank you very much! Appreciate your compliment. I don’t know why world gives so much importance on being beautiful? Means I get it as a teenager or while finding a soulmate . Ya - you feel beautiful inside and out . First love etc etc. yes I get it. But still .. why is it so bothersome to look little less of that. Trust me- I am asking this question to myself. Aren’t I am more mature, more intelligent. I am definitely earning more than at age 20 . And raising kids is not a joke. Then , when I feel bad about my looks then why on earth everyone tries to tell me that I am still beautiful?  I mean Thanks! But you know what- I own a mirror and I know exactly how I look compared to my twenties. So ya. I look older . And you know what . That’s cool.  It’s not that big deal really if we stop attaching so much importance to beauty . Now, I know half of you will come marching with a stance all about inner beauty etc etc. However, honestly, no one has said to me when I forget something to do that oh don’t worry honey you are still beautiful. Maybe you may say it’s early onset dementia but you won’t connect that quality to beautifulness. Or even further, If I say,I have wrinkles under my eyes- which I do-you won’t say that you are still beautiful- just inwardly.  Therefore,  this inner beauty won’t rhyme with what actually goes around in conversation. It’s almost always about looks. Next time when a woman  who feels sad about her beauty start whining  - I wish another courageous and honest friend should tell her- chill girl . Age is just a number  and beauty is overrated. . If someone tells this woman that this is just God given or genetically designed phenomena then maybe she will stop worrying about her not so imp looks. Maybe She will more focus on running a marathon and building her muscles and eating healthy to feel good inside-out instead of layering herself with so many makeup layers and going to shopping malls weekends after weekends. How about glamorizing no make- up work days. “Show your puffy face”  competition. I know, I will win. . The best part of looking little older, just natural  is you just start caring less and less about what others think. Now of course doing exercise and eating healthy is still important part of lifestyle and you may end up looking good and definitely feeling good. And of course you can wear all those beautiful dresses that you enjoy wearing. But Please don’t be obsessed about vanity . Maybe I am part of this problem and I have felt vulnerable and I have used significant amount of my own head- space and that’s why this blog.  And therefore I have accepted myself as middle age  woman - I won’t even call myself beautiful as it really doesn’t matter. Facial beauty is just one minor and not so imp aspect of my life. I will not allow myself and anyone else get me down because of it. And that’s why I won’t mind getting little “ uglier” . “ Praj you look older and uglier “. “ ohh Thank You very much! That’s very sweet and honest of you. Same to you.” See not very hard being honest right. Are you crazy? It’s freaking hard. Well , I won’t say it to anyone. Easier to write on a blog. We all logically know that looks are all genetics and age is just a number. But have you seen some crazy beautiful women who would spend hours thinking about how to upgrade their version. It’s mind boggling. Looking natural does not take any hard work. It only needs simple things such as focusing solely on comfort, convenience and simplicity. Feeling good where you are. Have you ever felt the cruelty of looking gorgeous- all decked up - all the time? It’s inhuman.  The burden of looking great is so darn difficult. High heels with plater facilities and sore back-have you tried this combo? It’s not even funny. Can you imagine circus of putting moisturizer then primer then foundation then bronzer then God knows what..BS. Looking so called flawless ( actually hiding all the flaws) is just so much tedious . You know without all those chemicals on my face my skin breathes pure oxygen .  Yes - yes- I know.  Sometimes it feels good to be perfectly dressed and pretty for get-togethers , potlucks and birthday parties etc etc and one may feel like one has  to look beautiful and that’s OK. But looking “ natural” should be next cool thing, too. No self body shaming( so hard). And of course not allowing anyone else to cross that line  of body shaming you.  For further tips- just ask yourself - a perfectly comfortable and self assertive you- And then give me some tips too.. :)
Praj101

Hey Girlfriend

No- not for him and even not for  her
Not for any applause or for someone else’s cheer

You can be sweet, sour  or even little bitter
Don’t care if you go bland or put on some glitter
You be little awkward or perfectly divine
You be just You  - totally stupid or Einstein

Not for your parent’s big bursting pride
Or to match your friend’s careerist stride
You define you with your passions and heart aches
High heels or snickers;  green smoothies or Milkshakes

Close friends, cozy books or a sparkling wine
Martial arts , Relaxing spa  or hard-work to make you shine
Not for any man who you hope is Charming Prince
No need to prove your worth by making others convince

Emotional Freedom is earned - it’s not charity
Shy, brave, anxious or kind  - honor your own personality
Live on your own terms -Not on his - Not on hers
You be You , Girlfriend,  Your own true self
Praj101

Speak Up- Step Up

Life is good for me - life is glowing
Work-Home -Kids everything is growing
Nothing needs a change as cash is flowing
Stop- watch- Ignore as time is not slowing

Logic says what happens around is not always right
Heart aches with pain but who has time to fight
I just want ordinary ups and downs
My family is OK - so no time to frown

Money, status, degrees I carry them in my pocket
My kids pictures are nicely tucked in my locket
I don’t go for any climate change marches
‘Woman’s  equality’ feels like too many emotional charges

I stand back and relax, no need for bigger purpose
I am doing my job - no need for any surplus
I live with hope that bad things won’t happen to me
I feel entitled for good- as I am good human being

But one day my neighbor’s kid walks into the door
He is crying as he has heard a racial slur
My friend’s daughter is devastated for life due to rape
And other one has a cancer and don’t know what’s her fate

One city with drought has no water for drinking
The other one somewhere is flooded and sinking
Someone that I know is living in one of them
But that’s not my family so I will wait instead

I will wait and wait like an obedient servant
Maybe I will live my life acting as an ignorant
It will be easy to blame God or anyone else other than me
I will gossip with my friends about how things should have been

A purposeless unfortunate life is what will it be
Will my kids think me as a coward, selfish and ugly
How will I feel on the deathbed at the end of it all
I could have taken action but I just waited and stalled

Or maybe I will speak up against any injustice
Maybe I should take a stance instead of being static
Maybe taking action is what will give me hope
Even if I will be scared to walk this tight rope

Will others hold my hand as I extend one of mine
Will I step forward instead of staying back in line
Will it be all worth to speak up for what’s right
Will it make the future for next generation bright

I know I will always make a choice in my life
Will I stay put or  step up to cross the comfort line
Will I live with a vision bigger than just me
Will I try to be the person that I envision to be
Praj101

Being Husband and Wife

Being in a marriage as a husband and wife
You have to keep all the accounts tight
Who does exactly what and when
Do you remember the details when you argue or fight?

Who Pick up and who drop off kids?
Who cooks and clean after the meals?
Who folds the laundry and pick up dishes?
Who Watches ESPN while paying the bills?

Who fixes things and pay all Taxes?
Who follows up with car service appointments?
Who does all the picking up and tidying?
Who bakes while doing online streaming?

Counting who does what for kids - Super Rude
Yet there are too many Doctor visits involved
Birthday parties are on every weekend
And transport back and forth from thousand activity-classes

Now I know after being married for so long
That marriage occasionally becomes a quirky business
Keeping accounts is not so flashy
But neither things are all the time perfect

Of course not in your home Oh dear
Your marriage is a beautiful meticulous heaven
Where husband and wife are adorable bunches
Loving and kind- oh so naive and oh so even

This happens only in those homes like mine
With ordinary life full of pluses and minuses
Sometimes hugs and kisses-  XOXO
And sometimes headache keeping “ who does what” balances
-praj101

Spicy Paratha

How should I put this in a good way. Well, sorry - there is no good way. I am really angry. Angry over spicy parathas. Here is what happened. I bought parathas from an Indian lady and they were spicy. Way too spicy. Life's big problem. Someone is dying from a cancer, someone is going through difficult time with divorce, someone is facing global warming issues and someone like me is fudging angry about a spicy parathas. Ya- Ya -pathetic me. Me with my trivial life issues. And that's that. You really don't have to read any further. I mean literally- that's it. Well, if you are still reading then go ahead as apparently you may have had your own spicy paratha problems.  Beware, I am going to glorify myself as a total victim here-no apologies as I do feel like one right now.  Here is what happened. So- I woke up . Got kids up. Gave them breakfast.  Prepared  lunches and drop kids to school and went to work. I worked whole day- then picked up kids and came home. Gave kids snacks and drove them to their martial arts class. Then I did one thing that I was super excited about. After I dropped my kids to class , I went to get my parathas that I ordered from this nice Indian lady. Those parathas would have been our perfect dinner and our next days lunch. You may feel this as a small thing but for a busy mom like  me this is kind of a big deal that only happens occasionally. A gorgeous marvelous treat if I may say. With this resource I don't have to worry about cooking food for dinner or worry about what to give tomorrow for lunch-sweet. A well deserved act of kindness- that I was planning to show towards me. Recently, since I am taking interest in writing, I am thinking about more ways I can be resourceful and having someone providing me and my family with this Indian food does feels like a relief. So that's why...I felt angry when parathas were way too spicy. My kids won't even take a bite. It felt like a betrayal of my simple desire. Maybe this is my mid- life crisis. A spicy paratha.
However,  when I am thinking about this situation as a whole, I understood more intricate part of the problem. The problem is not just spicy parathas but a lack of specific communication skills from my side and therefore lack of desired outcome. This Indian lady that I bought parathas from is nice person trying to run small home business.  Her business model makes her flourish and at the same time helps people like me too. A good business indeed.  However,  in the past, she had made this 'making food too spicy' mistake few times already. In some of those times I ignored this fact and occasionally I have told her that her food is spicy and we prefer milder version in nicest possible way making sure I don't hurt her feelings. But unfortunately, she keeps forgetting this specific information again and again. And at the end, I have to suffer from spice induced acidity, wasting the value of money that I pay her for and wasting my efforts to drive to and from her place.  In reality me "being nice" hasn't  work for me.
What happens is that we come across people with different personalities. Some people are business oriented who take care of their customers while others are trying their best to carry a business without  even remembering their customers needs. Well, in this specific situation, this lady didn't pay attention for  my specific needs . When I pay for my services , I expect good outcome.  I definetely failed to communicate this with her. While I was busy being nice and building trust - the imp. part that I forgot is that this is -at the end- a business- a simple give and take.
Therefore this time, I called the lady and told her that I am going to freeze those parathas and return them to her next time as we won't be able to eat those. I told this lady exactly why I am not happy with her service at present. What are my expectations  in the future and how I need someone to respect those. She agreed to all of the above. I will take action as I mentioned earlier by returning her parathas to her so she knows that I mean business and any slack thereafter for any next orders will make her loose me as a customer. I am ready to give her one more chance just because she is good person and her location is definitely convenient for me. However, I also understand to be more resourceful and try to find more available services around in the area.
Some people are already good in dealing with others to get the outcomes that they desire. It is people like me, people pleasers, who have immense difficulty when it comes to conflicts and dealing with them. Finally, its a good realization that sometimes its just wise to treat a transaction as a transaction without involving too many emotions. Now, after analyzing this simple situation I understood importance of frank respectful yet direct communication instead of glossing a problem.
It’s atleast good to know that my midlife crisis is not about spicy paratha.
-praj101

Decluttering without guilt

There is a lot to learn from the act of decluttering. For me it has become almost like stoicism. The indifference to the pain that comes with the territory when I put things into donate or throw away pile feels quite accomplishing. The value that I used to attach to things that I owned was significantly overestimated. For some of those things now I won’t even pay a dime.. Just because I owned them, I overvalued them and departing from them was painful. Same happened with the things that people gave me. The love and respect that came from friendship was touching. However,  the materialistic give and take  involved in this phenomena was overwhelming. Can you imagine someone just barging in and filling up my closet space from the things that I don’t need? And then , in return, I am doing the same to their closet space. A wind chime that doesn’t fit well with Decor, some random candle holder and a painting that doesn’t bring joy- everything just living in my house with no purpose. Basically , all the stuff with no meaning but given by meaningful people. Really giving those possessions away was not easy either. And to top it all, I had immensely struggled to say  “ no”. “ No” used to feel mean and dismissive .
However, this is what decluttering has taught me about life in general:
When I declare my values to myself and then to others , people don’t take offense. Honestly, most people don’t even care.
Now, this is an undeniable fact that some friends and relatives who have different beliefs  may feel bad. But here is a good news. I cannot make everyone happy.  Once I draw a line- once I  explicitly state my values -respectfully- my role is done. It’s not in my hand to change someone else’s feelings. Now this is especially liberating..
 Now a days, I already tell visiting friends not to bring any gifts as I am practicing minimalism. I fly through social situations like a breeze with no burden of others judgements. Living life with my own vision is satisfying. At the age of 40 , I deserve at least that much respect- from myself.
Praj101