List of 50 things that don't serve me

Here are list of  things that don't serve me.
1. Thinking too much.
2. Ruminating in past.
3. Staying angry, sad, anxious for more than 3 mins.
4. Saying "yes" to things just to please others or due to feeling of guilt.
5. Saying "no" to things that I enjoy and can take refuge in.
6. Letting others walk over my feelings.
7. Fighting negative feelings and always trying to put best foot forward.
8. Eating junk
9. Lack of sleep.
10. Screen time more than 2 hours daily.
11.  Not saying "Thank you" to someone when I know I should be grateful.
12. Not appreciating good in others and not letting them know.
13. Not meditating.
14. Not doing exercise.
15. Not calling my mom
16. Not spending time with my kids/ husband.
17. Being cunning, manipulative, gossiping about others.
18. Comparing myself with others.
19. Not respecting others from different backgrounds than me.
20. Attaching monetary success value to happiness
21. Acting in fear.
22. Treating others with disrespect.
23. Speaking hurtful things.
24. Not having good intent behind action.
25. Exaggerating without checking facts.
26. Not saying sorry for my mistakes.
27. Not spending time with friends.
28. Judging others for what they are
29. Always trying to fill things with activities in my calendar.
30. Not giving time for relaxation.
31. Watching too much politics/news.
32. Not staying organised
33. Having too much stuff
34. Giving  others advice when they didn't ask
35. Sleeping late
36. Getting up late
37. Not reflecting/blogging
38. Too much on social media-too much connectivity
39. Procrastinating
40. Not working/ earning
41. Not being flexible with views
42. Being to critical of self
43. Staying attached to things
44. Not helping when I can
45. Being to serious/ not smiling/ not seeing humor
46. Spending money without assessing need
47. Defending myself in discussion for sake of proving my point
48. Running behind happiness.
49. Not caring for environment
50. not living mindfully / not living in moment.

Scientific exploration of consciousness-Is it possible?

Recently I heard a neuroscientist said it is worth finding answer for question "who am I?".  It was hard for me to imagine a scientist asking this question.Till this date, whenever I heard any religious or spiritual leader say something like this, I would roll my eyes. Here was that scientist’s explanation the way I understood. He said you can take any part of your identity away and you will be still you. How so? e.g.I am a physical therapist. If I take this identity away from me, will I be still me. Yes, I guess so. Then who am I? I am human being made with bones, muscles and organs. OK... what if I take away my heart..I got a heart transplant?.. will I be still me. hmm .. I guess so. What about my mind? Well that I loose  a lot .. with kids and husband and at job,,,ha ha .. sorry.. focus.Yes if I end up with demetia and loose all my cognitive functions still I will be me. So how about my spirit " atma" ?  But what is spirit. I don't know....some energy.. I hope its not ghost.  But whatever it is,  doesn't sound much scientific. So what is this consciousness? Does it travel from one life to another... I don't know.. maybe... Has anyone seen it?  Don't worry about next life..What about in this life ,Can we feel /see this energy? As per this neuro scientist "yes". Boom .. really..Yes. Apparently, according to him, what people have felt are experiences.  Experience of "oneness"  / "nothingness".. anyway you want to word it. There is stage that you can induce with psychedelic medications or with meditation where you feel you are in blissful state and you are one with universe. The " ego" has melted and one feels this overflow of love and compassion towards everyone.. something like Nirvana. Sounds too sugary still interesting. Psychedelics are illegal and can have some very bad effect on some people and therefore unsafe.So that option is out.  So that brings to the second option "Meditation". WOW. That means we all  have option of enlightenment. I want to feel it. Just like I want to loose 30 lbs in one week. Sorry.. that's not happening girl. People go to  silent retreat, become monks and still fail to feel it. If they feel it then also for very short time. Well that's too bad. I have family. I have job. I totally love my "muggle" life. I am not going anywhere. So now what? Thinking back, I guess that's how religions came into being. When people became religious and started devoting there time and energy to God.. they felt blissful. It was an outlet for every human being to find their own Nirvana. That is great. But I  still need some scientific explanation. Meditation doesn't have to be about any particular God. I can just focus on my breath, my mind, my body. I know all of these things exist. I don't have to assume anything that I haven't seen. Besides, may be I won’t find enlightenment but can still explore my mind. I think we all have capability to study our mind. Need to explore this further.- praj101

The most difficult part

I am striving health enthusiast or so I think. I have traveled a bitter-sweet journey of loosing significant weight and still there are ways to go. However, there is one habit that I find very difficult to break. This habit is what I call “after work pantry party”. Self explanatory ...right. I come home from work. I go straight into pantry. I binge eat . I literally go into trance where I have no clue what I am doing until I am done riding this crazy hunger horse. After binge eating, I become aware of this situation immediately leading to another period filled with guilt, shame and anger. I can be “not so nice” to anyone else around me when I am in this realm of self criticism. I want to change things but unfortunately all this awareness comes after those 1000 calories are sitting in my tummy and eventually in my butt. I have put a whole bunch of thought about how to improve myself in this situation. I have tried different self correction paths. I have kept healthy food around so I will reach for something healthy. I have decided I will eat salad before coming home etc. but so far nothing has worked.

 I have come up with different hypothesis about why I fail . The first one is I have zero will power in that hour of day where I just want to be not-judge and do what I want to do. The second one- I  was used to eating something after coI ming back from school as a kid  and this habit brings back that homely vibe. Third one- I don't eat enough throughout the day and I am crazy hungry after coming back home. Whatever it is, the objective has always been how can I change this poor habit and be better. Honestly, I am writing this blog exactly after my regular binge eating episode today.

As one can see in this whole hypothesis thingy  .. one theme is common.. I desperately want to change myself. Unfortunately, I am not happy  with who I am.  Something about that slim body image makes me sabotage my own body hunger cues. Aren't there better things for me to do than wasting my time on this same thought cycle. May be instead of trying to “improve” myself I need to be more compassionate towards me.I think this is most difficult part. Self compassion. Isn't my brain works better/smarter rest of the day. May be I will adjust my calorie needs accordingly the rest of the day to compensate for my evening eating.

This will be an interesting experiment of course and I am curious to find how this will go. I am aware that my hunger cues may be totally on wrong track( self criticism again... hmm). But at least I am going to approach it differently this time. I have opportunity to be nice with myself. Lets see..

How was my day today?

This was my day today. I woke up at 6:15 AM.  Did 30-45 mins of meditation. Half an hour in bathroom. Came downstairs and heard" om jai jagdish" song. Nice. Then made poli -bhaji for all of our lunches while listening to Stephen Colbert and political satire videos. Got kids up and got them ready and went to work after dropping them to school. Felt little anxious at bus stop as school bus did not show up. Drop mine and my friends kids to school. Went to work. Had good day at work. Worked with pt.s.  Had really good time as I stayed on task.  Had conference in PM. Got my 5 hours CEUs for Dementia management seminar. learned a lot. Came back home after picking up kids. Later talk to two friends in the evening. Nice talk. spend time with husband and kids .  I am tired now. really tired.  Tried to right something good but brain didn't work. I am like I will jot down my general day instead.  WOW.. writing this itself is relaxing. Good night sleep tight. 

my health plan.

I want to make this 30 day plan for myself statrting right now. Researchers say it takes 21 days to make a good habit. I am giving myself 1 week extra.24th September to 24th October 2018. Here is my absolute essential plan.
1. Every day atleast 30 min of workout. No matter what.it can be relaxation exs like Yoga or weight training or just simple walking. Doesn’t matter. 30 mins of daily exs.
2. Blogging every day. Maybe I will blog about my progress towards my health.. writing  down what I ate, what exs I did or is planning to do, how much sleep I got etc. but definitely some self reflection.
3. Eating nutritious food only 3 meals a day with zero snacking. Mostly food will be protein, healthy fats and lots of veggies. Less carbs and no junk. I need to follow this even on weekends. No slacking.
4. Atleast 8 hours of sleep. To do this, I need to get things done on time and be more organized. Distribute daily chores in between me, husband and kids so I will get time to prioritize my goals.
5. Screen time including blogging no more than 1 hour 40 mins each day. Maybe have set times in Am and PM to go over news and what’s app.. 10 mins *2.
6. Atleast 10 mins of meditation.  meditation with or without App.
7. Listening to something inspirational for 10 mins Atleast.
I know my personality. If I want to succeed, I will go all in. If I decide to do it in moderation then I will slack.
Also I a planning to keep some objective measures. Keeping my food diary,writing down my daily weight and writing my exercises for day. It will be interesting to note my mental state every day as well. All the best to me.- praj101

Ganapati Bappa Morya

By nature I am secular skeptic. I Love science and has tendency to question everything that cannot be proven. But all that goes in thin air when it comes to “Ganapati”. Today  is Ganapati Visarjan and my beloved deity lord Ganesh’s festival is over till next year leaving me heavy hearted. The good part is Ganapati Bappa will come back home next year, for 10 days and every year thereafter.  In Hindu religion/ mythology God Ganapati represents someone who gives us wisdom, knowledge and prosperity . I remember my workbook in school used to have “ Shri” on every book’s first page ( Shri is another name of Ganapati) as if we were taking his blessings of knowledge and wisdom. This part of Indian culture I really admire. All our deities come with some deeper understanding about life and almost humanizes them  representing a good part in all of us. But apart from all this deep meaning, my love for Ganapati Bappa comes from his beautiful elephant like face, his big belly due to eating too many delicious “ modaks” and his cool nature or so I believe. He feels like auspicious  God and at the same time cool buddy who is so smart and sweet. As per Indian mythology, Ganapati’s big belly represents his ability to eat our sins and I have never imagined  him as an angry God like his dad “ God Shankar” who you better not mess with. Ganapati Bappa is loving and kind and will help us in our difficulties. At the same time he feels like some  dude who would love any scientific progress in the betterment of mankind. If there is a scientist decoding  human genome I am sure it will make Ganapati Bappa  happy. And how can I forget “mouse” - Bappa’s vehicle as well as cute little companion . The whole package of Ganapati riding on mouse, eating yummy Modaks , helping us in tough times and kind of  forgiving us for our mistakes is so adorable that Ganapati Bappa becomes my most favorite deity in a heartbeat . This joyous , happy and super cool God will be always major part of me till the end and beyond. Ganapati Bappa Morya!  - praj101

Garage sale experience

I wrote post about “Garage Sales in Iowa “ few days back. Today in NC we had our community garage sale. It’s not NC culture and I was not expecting big response like Iowa. However, the response was even lesser than expected.  All the efforts gone waste, I was thinking. My kids and husband were super excited in the beginning but I can see their excitement draining from their face. Later , I decided to change my mindset and give it a little positive tweak. No judgment, no rationalization and just experiencing the experience. As I changed my perspective, things started looking little better.  Me and my family, first time after so many years, were sitting outside having family time. Whoever showed up, we greeted with enthusiasm. In the beginning , my little one was asking people too many questions and asking them to buy things.. embarrassing right? Later I explained him why it is imp to give people some space and just greet people. He changed his behavior. He would  smile and say hi . He would make small general conversation if appropriate such as checking with kid what grade he or she is in. He may not understand theory behind human emotions but knowingly or unknowingly he was showing up with correct attitude. Of course , When I tried to explain same thing  to my older kid he just shrugged  and went back to reading. I learned that my kids have different personalities, different liking and therefore different responses. I learned  to give them some space.  We went as family into our neighbors homes and had a nice chat with them. We also found good books in the process for my kids to read. We ended up earning ~ $20 way less compared to Iowa. But the best part is all of this remainaing unsold stuff is directly going to goodwill achieving my declutter objective.
There were some other lessons that I learned as well. It would have been great if we would have put garage sale in the evening from 5 to 8 pm or in the morning from 8 to 12 pm. Mid afternoon time is way too sweaty. We found out town of cary doesn’t allow Garage sale signs on roads. So we need to arrange it better.
Overall , it was a good learning experience.

Seeing as it is

I came back from work and encountered an experience today. I was doing some work in garage with my husband and a wooden board fell on my foot. “ This always happens with me” I thought with anger. “What an aweful  timing. We have party tomorrow and this foot is going to hurt. Life is not fair “ . I walked away from what I was doing with agonizing physical and mental pain leaving my husband by himself in the middle of task. As things settle in , I got time to reflect. In the whole thinking process only one thing was correct. Life is not fair. We don’t know what will happen next hour, day or next year in life. Of course, if one is in good financial situation with good education , probability of leading  good material and hopefully mental life exponentially increases. But still life is not fair. However, ones response to any conflicts caused by any outer or inner situations is in their own hands. To do that , however, assessing situation correctly is vital. Let’s just go over my response to situation here. First of all this does not always happen to me. I don’t even work in garage that often and most of the time I just breeze through activity. Now let’s asses my pain. Yes , the physical pain was  may be 5/10 on pain scale ( intensity of 0 means no pain and 10 being labor pains) that quickly went down to 2/ 10 and I am totally walking around apart from some soreness.  The third thing that I was worried about was party for tomorrow. First of all, we are resourceful enough that food and cleaning of house has already taken care of. Besides , if I have told anyone that my foot is sore , everyone would have helped me out for sure. One way or another in this situation I would be fine. If I would have really hurt myself , doctors office is just around corner. Lessons learned- Work mindfully to begin with making sure I or someone else doesn’t get hurt by following safety protocols. Just in case if I get injured, physical pain is inevitable and needs it’s own assessment and care. The third and the only thing that is in my hand is my mental  state. It’s not that I will not get angry , sad etc but understanding my emotional state and responding carefully will be better that just reacting and making things worse. That will only happen if I see things correctly just as they are without involving  emotions and judgement.  With correct view comes correct response.   I know it will take time and lot of practice on my part. Its training my monkey mind not to react but respond....  Mind, are you ready? Haha .. mind is saying I am born ready .:)- praj101

Sleep ... my precious

If someone wants to know what zombies are just try to sleep deprive yourself and you will know. That is exactly how I am feeling today. My colleague calls this situation “brainfarted”.. eww. No focus, total lethargy and jumbo headache . “My anxiety to blogging approval ” is totally responsible for this super grouchy state. I wrote blog and posted it on my social network site “what’s app” . Then I got into total monkey mode and all this just before going to bed. Checking my what’s app feed like a freak every few minutes to see reply of friends or family to my creativity was just too taxing. In the back of my mind I understood it’s not only reasonable but alltogether impossible for all my friends and family to check out my blog especially if I posted it at 10:30 pm at night. As much supportive and kind my friends are I felt kindda bad for them. My mind was judging my friends and family with pretty prejudiced thoughts.  I thought everyone will say “ here she goes again.. with another painstaking read.... so long.. you are such a boring person”. Then another wheel of thought went in my head . I thought.. hey I am not  saint.. o hell no.. I have skipped things that are long especially those who do not interest me.  So first I was acting as an accuser and then as a defender against my own panic. And In this stupidity of my poor mind one thing I lost that is most dear to me -my sleep. My comfortable, cozy , super refreshing sleep. And what I lost it for?? My big fat ego ( never thought of loosing its weight.. hmm).  Why do I need others approval? Don’t take me wrong. I love my friends and family and they did respond with generous likes. But still why I have to loose my sleep for that. I think there can be two ways to answer it. Buddha would have said “ attachment” and psychologist would have said it as ego. I was too attached to my blog and my ego was so fragile that I needed an approval. How about from now on no more looking for these ego satisfying approvals. Putting down things that I care with no expectation in return. My sleep is too imp for me to lose it for blogging. I want to write and explore not write and explode ... bad word play ... that’s what happens when u don’t get sleep. Did I tell you I love my sleep.. am I too attached to sleep? 🤔🙈.. this is too much thinking dude. Good night sleep tight.:)-praj101

Why I want to form a habit of writing

I  have to write atleast 50 words for next 30 days . I want to cultivate lifelong habit of writing . Why? The answer is complicated. I am reaching 40 and lived straightforward life. Studied when I was suppose to study, got married when time was right etc. you get the picture. Days just come and go. It’s not like I had made no resolutions. It’s not like I am regretting my life choices or atleast most of my life choices . The problem is that all my life is stored in my memories. Their is no recount about how exactly I felt about particular topic . Did I changed my viewpoint on something and why did I change it. Why did I acted the way I did( sometimes even obnoxiously) . Did I do something good in life that I will be extremely proud of? What were funny memories? I have some clue but it’s not crystal clear. It’s not documented. Someone will say “who cares.. you are not that imp.". Not for you maybe . And that’s OK.
Here are two main reasons why I want to write. First is to store all my life experience for my future generations. I don’t know if they would really care. But I do care for them and therefore I will do my part.  I work with lot of dementia patients and unfortunately some of them don’t even remember their kids names. The whole life experience gone with the time. I bet our ancestors must have learned lot from their lives but only few left behind the memorabilia for their kids and future generations. I want my kids to know how I feel about certain things may that be related to home, work, social issue  or politics. I want them to know what I found hilarious and what broke my heart. That is all “ me me me part” obviously. But still that’s my inheritance to them.But there is another and more important reason for me to cultivate this writing habit. Why? I want to reflect. No reflection.. no awareness. Atleast that’s what Buddha said. Literally , days come and go. I make some schedule for the day in my planners mind, and day just plays out sometimes as and sometimes off schedule. It’s like a bad love affair with time. No time to reflect on actions . Therefore no time to improve on them. I think reflection can teach me how I could act better next time in the same situation. How honestly I feel about something and can I stand up for things that I care. Do I have correct beliefs?  Do they need to be changed? It will be great to explore my mind. I have realized that I don’t want to waste all my time watching someone else’s life on TV or  judging others while my own life is playing out in front of me like an awesome movie. I want to be action hero of my movie playing my part with total conscience. Doesn’t matter if movie is comedy, tragedy , sentimental or thriller,  I want to be in it. Writing will be my tool to reflect. That's why I want to write. - praj101

Garage sale , Iowa and me

I moved from India to US for education 15 years back and landed in Iowa. In the middle of corns and soya bean fields  and cold and windy weather, my husband and our friends were the only support system I had for first few months. Later spring rolled in and for the first time I saw " Garage sale" sign with balloons on top- Garage Sale: Friday evening and Saturday morning. "Hmm.. what is this garage sale thingy?" I asked my husband. He said, Garage sale is place where people sale their stuff for very small price  and they set it up in their garages and driveways. I liked that.  Coming from India, from middle class background, rupees to dollar calculation had taken over my mind.  I said , "I am all in for cheap price".  Thats when I got introduced to my very first garage sale- a neighborhood garage sale. You can see people sitting in their lawn chairs in driveways, with their friends and families , with all their stuff and a very big inviting smile. Toys, clothes, books, puzzles, bikes, utensils, furniture items, occasionally a decor -you name it ... everything on display. Some people used to have awesome calming music and meticulous arrangement that you will almost get a feel of walking in nice antique shop. Everything had a small price tag (that easily came off post purchase- thats Imp.). Prices for items were varied from house to house. But items were almost always modestly priced. I looked around like a little kid. Things can be affordable in US was such a relief. I think my first purchase was purse for $2... in very good condition. I remember calling my mom back in India and telling her all about this wonderland. Later , garage sales became part of my life . Even when I started working, I will still find joy in buying things from Garage sales. I think thats when I got connected with people. Talking to them gave me feeling of belonging. Garage Sales made me true Iowan. Not just neighborhood people but lot of out siders used to come and buy things that they need. Grandparents with their grandchildren had made significant part of this networking. Grandparent used to get satisfaction from buying all these clothes and toys for their grandkids without emptying their bank and the little ones would be always hopping around holding hands enjoying this shopping experience. Some kids also used to get their entrepreneur lessons by selling their toys and clothes and earning their well deserved cash. I remember setting my own garage sales few times in later years especially after having my first child. Getting lot of good working condition toys for cheap price and selling things that we don't need anymore..it  was win -win situation.

We moved to North Carolina few years back and I missed Iowa and it's Garage Sale culture. In this big city in NC, Garage sales is such a rarity. We were in good financial condition by then and for first few times I even tried to explain myself  "who needs cheap stuff anymore". Honestly, in back of my mind I still missed it. Getting good condition toys and books for a buck or two,  talking and connecting face to face with people, earning little cash.... I missed everything. Now, we sale stuff on e-bay or Craigs list that we want to get rid off and rest of the stuff goes to Goodwill. Its OK. However, I truly miss the fun , the vitality of Garage sale.  

As time rolled, I totally forgot about "garage sales". After researching, listening and reading as all the curious minds do to improve their lifestyle I started learning about minimalism and organized lifestyle. I started thinking hard about Global warming and its effect on mankind and about how I can leave small foot print on the world. This gave me purpose and direction.  This changed my mindset and my relationship with things. One thing led to another and recently me and my like minded friends started "Declutter group" on whats app. And one of the participants came up with this wonderful  idea of "Neighborhood Garage Sale". My mind raced back to Iowa, it's people and wonderful time that I spend their . I thought these Iowans are  so smart. They already knew a way of connecting human to human, recycling things to save planet earth, decluttering their homes and earning some cash while doing all that . All of this can be achieved just by doing "Garage sales". I know my mom and my mother -in-law has said so many times before that they wished "Garage Sale"  existed in India. I always tell them ,,its possible... you start one and people will follow. I think the concept" Garage Sale" is so worth exploring by everyone in the world. Perfect way to connect and recycle.  I love you Hawkeyes...  

This is my first blog. My husband helped me with this. Love you Honey.